Fruit Cake

While randomly searching the archives of a library, I came across a dusty tome from the 1770’s!  Inscribed on the front in quill pen was the word “SHRED;” but it had survived!  It holds minutes of meetings from around the time of the American Revolution!! 

Page 171 shows Patrick Henry’s famous December 1775 speech, and astonishingly, it has been altered from the original by (embarrassed?) historians!  The notes show that he actually said to Martha Washington (It was her turn to bring treats to the meeting) “Give me liberty or give me death, but DON’T give me no more fruitcake!”  …Amazing.  

And the Boston ‘Tea’ Party?  HA!  It was in reality 15 tons of—you guessed it—FRUITCAKE!!!  “You're darn tooting that King George will know WE mean business when he hears about THIS!” quipped John Hancock on page 234, "And we’ll call it ‘The Boston Fruitcake Party!’”  “Ya know,” broke in John Adams, “the harbor is really starting to fester; let’s dump in some tea bags to soak it up.” Ergo the historical mistake.

…Page 305 tells how George Washington thought we should be nicknamed 'The Great Melting Pot.’  “No!!”  Thomas Paine vehemently shouted, "It's only COMMON SENSE that we be called ’THE GREAT FRUITCAKE!!!’   “Don’t even go there, Tom,” Washington interrupted, “That would only encourage Martha to bake more of the vile things—they're so tough on the molars…I’m the boss, so ‘Melting Pot’ it is and that’s final, and this meeting is adjourned.  Harumphhh.”

I’m reading all of this and thinking ‘mini series,’ and just as I turn the last brittle page, the book crumbles and turns to dust.  I wonder if people will believe me?  Hollywood will.
©12/2002  Jana B Patrick
  

Extreme Hockey Gear Testing

I backed the Chevy Suburban over my hockey bag.


I was bringing almost 3 year old John, my grandson, to an ice rink.  I loaded up the bag with skates, helmets, elbow and shin pads; threw it behind the locked truck, then ran and got John loaded in. When we got to the rink I realized my mistake. One might think I would have felt us go over the bag, but, no, in four wheel drive Reverse is always bumpy.  
I feared the worst as I drove back home. With dismay I saw tire tracks covering the bag.  However, the protective gear did what it was suppose to, and looked none the worse for having 1 1/2 tons of truck roll over it.  Except my very old shin pads. The right one got a little squished but actually fits much better.  Naturally one wishes to look slim in addition to symmetrical while playing hockey, so I am considering  running over the left one as well.          ©12/2011  Jana B Patrick

Kids catch on fast--see above, then this is John's next time out on the ice!

What Men Do While Women Shop

Dear Mrs. Peabody,

Over the Christmas season, your husband, Mr. Percy Peabody, has become quite problematic in our store while you are busy shopping.  Several of our employees are seeking counseling. We cannot tolerate this behavior and our corporate lawyers are anticipating a feeding frenzy.  Complaints are as follows:

November 25:  Showed customers his driver's license and demanded to know whether they have seen this escaped convict.

November 26:  Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at five minute intervals.

December 1:  Made a trail of ketchup leading to the bathrooms.

December 3:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "The vegetables are staging an uprising in Produce; Call Security NOW!'

December 5:  Tried on a pair of trousers backwards and asked an employee if they made his butt look big.

December 7:  Wearing pajamas and bouncing on a display bed, he asked customers to get pillows from Bedding and join him for a slumber party.

December 10:  When an employee asked if he needed any help he began to cry and demanded, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

December 11:  Looked right into the Security camera, used it as a mirror and flossed his teeth in a disgusting fashion.

December 14:  darted about the store suspiciously while humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme song.

December 17:  Hid in a clothing rack and when customers browsed, called out, "Pick me!  Pick me!"

December 19:  Surveyed customers about preferences for traditional burial versus cremation and whether they would like an Early Bird discount.

December 21:  Went into a fitting room and yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

December 22:  Wearing a 'New Employee' badge, asked a Hardware Department employee how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

December 23:  Dressed as an exterminator and while snapping two large rat traps open and shut, walked through the Grocery Department calling, "Here mousy, mousy, mousy--come to Daddy!"

December 24:  Posing as a Food Sampler, dared customers to take a bite of fruitcake while offering medical assistance and free hospitalization if things went badly.

How to Get Rock Hard Glutes

This is a November 2011 story from legitimate news sources--really!  MIAMI--A woman who wanted to work at a nightclub looked for someone who could perform inexpensive plastic surgery to give her a curvier body.  Police said what she found was a man posing as a female doctor who filled her buttocks with cement, mineral oil and "Fix-a-Flat' flat-tire inflator.
     Oneal-Ron Morris, 30, was arrested. The victim allegedly paid $700 for Morris to inject her in several sites on her derriere, pumping it full of the toxic material. The victim described some of the 'tools' Morris used as rubber tubing attached to a cooler. She felt enormous pressure and then intense pain but was assured it would be over soon. The wounds were sealed with Super Glue. She went to the hospital for abdominal pains.


Here's how I imagine the 'victim's' E.R visit went:

Victim:  My stomach really hurts, doc!

Doctor:  When did your symptoms start?

Victim:  Pretty much right after I had my ass filled with a cooler full of cement.

Doctor:  You had foreign material injected into you?!

Victim:  Oh no!  Not foreign!!-- Cement from the U.S.A. for sure--I seen the truck out front. Hey, maybe I'm sick from the Super Glue used to close up the butt holes--

Doctor:  Your anus is glued shut?!

Victim:  No!  haha--not THAT  hole, you silly doctor!--that would be pretty STUPID don't you think?! (Did you really go to Med school, Doc?)  Haha--no, just the holes where the concrete was poured in.  And doc? How'm I suppose to work at the club while hauling around a 500 pound booty?

Doctor:  Sorry lady, we can't help you here; I'm referring you to  
a Structural Engineer.  

And if I were you?   AVOID swimming.

Mug shots of  the 'DOCTOR'  that performed the 'surgery.'
  Transgender 'doc' Ron-Oneal Morris.
With a butt the size and weight of Texas, she really inspires confidence.

'Stone Butt Brand' Hypoallergenic Surgical Cement                           'Fix a Flat' Butt inflator

©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Here is one of the articles written in Miami:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/11/18/2509172/doctor-accused-of-injecting-womans.html#ixzz1eVExztxU

Gobble Gobble

Benjamin Franklin in a 1784 letter to his daughter:  
"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen for the Representative of our Country.  He is a bird of bad moral Character.  He does not get his Living honestly.  You may have seen him perched on some dead tree near the river, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labor of the Fishing Hawk: and when that diligent bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Eagle pursues him and takes it from him. In truth, the Turkey is in comparison a  much more respectable Bird..."

Benjamin Franklin's daughter sent the following reply:
"Dad, are you freaking kidding me??"

©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Fly the Friendly Skies

      I was with my daughter-in-law, Caroline, and her 1 1/2 and almost three year old boys on an airplane recently.  Southwest airlines has patrons line up and board onto any seat found. Interestingly,  no other passengers grabbed the coveted window and aisle seats within several miles of us. As the plane filled, those that were forced to be our neighbors had aspects of martyrdom. Justifiably.  
Naps??? We don't need no stinkin' naps!     
     There would be no energy crisis if we could bottle up the pent up energy of our toddler citizens. 
      After three and a half hours we arrived. I was certain the people in front of us would serve us papers for how the boys' restless-leg-syndrome and tray table up/down fixations had compromised their flight. (The boys are so darn cute which may have been the charm, because those people very kindly got up and left--possibly to the airport bar...)
     The return flight?  Fast asleep before takeoff! 
     I just love those boys!!!  I'll sit next to them anytime!
©10/2011  Jana B Patrick

11/11/11 The Ants Go Marching One by One by One by One by One by One...

This year we will have experienced four unusual dates:

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11 and 11/11/11

And that's not all:  Take the last two digits of the year you were born - now add the age you will be this year.  The answer for everyone in the world is 111.  Who ever said math is not fun?  (ME)  Try this: 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321

Random 11/11/11 factoid:  
One hundred years ago, November 11, 1911, The Great Blue Norther descended upon mid America. The day started out fine; there were even record highs of up to 80 degrees (27C) Suddenly temperatures began to drop.  Within ten minutes it dropped 40 to 50 degrees and by midnight lows in some areas were in the single digits (-13C). Many cities recorded record breaking highs and lows on that same day. Janesville, Wisconsin had an F4 tornado followed an hour later by a blizzard. Throughout the midwest there were duststorms, thunderstorms, tornadoes and blizzards with over 300 deaths reported.
“Dearest Nell!  Let’s celebrate 11/11/1911! It’s a beautiful day for a picnic—nearly 80 degrees, darling!”

“Oh, precious heart, what shall I bring?”

“Why, your sun bonnet and parasol to protect your lovely skin, your fan to cool my darling, some iced lemonade to refresh---and it wouldn’t hurt to throw in a snowmobile suit, tundra boots and survival flares for just-in-case.”

 “…Huh???  Snowmo—what???”

Happy 11/11/11!!!!!!     ©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Duct Tape Costume

http://www.youtube.com/user/LaurenPatrickFilms#p/u/1/KOtvGfnoSn4

Click on the above U TUBE link to see how Lauren made her Halloween costume.  It just makes a parent burst with pride seeing their daughter as a beer bottle--don'cha think???          ©2011  Jana B Patrick

Halloween Trivia

--The origins of Halloween are with the Celtic people of Ireland and ancient Britain and is was a celebration of the end of summer and the close of the harvest season.  Only cold, dark winter lay ahead.
--The first Jack-o-lanterns in Ireland were potatoes and turnips carved into faces with a hot, glowing coal inside.  Irish immigrants to the U.S. found pumpkins to be a better medium, and today, 99% of pumpkins are used for Halloween carving. Sooooooo, what is really in all those cans of pumpkin pie filling???


--The first costumes in Ireland were of animal heads and skins.  "Mum!!!  Could you please, please kill Fluffy so I can go to the Halloween dance tonight???  
I wouldn't be caught dead wearing the leftover Holstein from last year!!"  


--Trick-or-treating began as a Scottish and Irish practice called, "Guising' where children went door to door in costumes collecting food and coins for the town's Halloween feast.  They would have to do a little song or dance for the treat.  If the homeowner refused to dole out, a practical joke could be played.  (I wonder if, when our government does their practice of "Gouging," we could make politicians do songs and dances as we dole out the tax dollars --  But, of course, if we refuse to pay, Big Brother plays practical jokes on us like prison or, worse yet, an audit.)
Happy Samhain! (pronounced: Sow-en) (Original name of Oct 31-Nov 1 Celtic Festival)
©10/2011  Jana B Patrick

Mountain Musings

I've been hiking a very popular trail, Pinnacle Peak, in Arizona, and saw my shadow whiz by and thought, "Wow! I'm going really fast!"  Then, as it sped away from me, I realized it was actually the shadow of the person on the switchback below me.  My own shadow, I then noticed, was  helping the 90 year olds on the trail above keep pace...  
I also observed how friendly the people WITHOUT earbuds are. "Hi!"  "Morning!" "How ya doing?" The ones WITH earbuds, avert their eyes and slink on past in their own personal techno bubble, as if each is the world's last and only citizen.  
I think tomorrow I'll say, "HI!!!" really loudly as I pass them and see if any jump out of their skin--I'll considerately avoid doing this on steep slopes.   Maybe.      ©10/2011  Jana B Patrick

Maybe this would work for the non-friendlies???

The Man Purse

Cell phones, Blackberries, E Notebooks, iPads, keys etc.  Guys really need purses.  My husband says, "NO WAY! That's what cargo pants are for."
Perhaps men will use them if we re-name the receptacal:
Man bag.  Testo-Tote. Man Pack.  Male carrier.
Designers can make them visually more manly:  A mini-gym bag.  
A brief brief-case.  A little metal lunch pail.  A metal studded Harley clutch.
Then men can carry their electronics as well as their lip balm, men's cologne, and changes of earrings. How about pictures of the girlfriends/wives/kids--are we asking too much?
The gorgeous 20 year old daughter of our friends, Greg and Diane, recently saw a man from the continent sporting a ponytail, capri pants and a man bag.  She was impressed, "I have to marry a European!"  So see, guys?  Besides the obvious advantages and function of man purses, they are chick magnets.
©10/2011  Jana B Patrick

What's not to like about this?

The Harley Clutch

Yup!

GPS

The lady's electronic voice on our GPS system recently helped us reach Dubuque, Iowa.  Perhaps it's time for the market to come up with more voice variety for this ingenious device.


The Guy Electronic voice version:  "Hey bud!  Hang a ralph up by da Fleet Farm, go about twenny more yards and dere's da Denny's you're looking for.  Have a nice day!"


The Backseat Driver version:  "In a quarter mile, take a right turn...Hey!  Why did you go straight?!  It's much shorter the other way--why don't you ever listen to me?!  For Pete's sake, slow down!! And quit fiddling with the GPS and watch the road!  Oh, the trials I have to go through."  
(Steve says I should do the voice for this GPS...)

The Republican version:  "In a quarter mile, take a right turn.  Take the next right turn.  In one mile take a right turn..."  When buying this model, a 37% surcharge is kicked back to the corporate lobbyists of your choice.

The subsidized Democratic version costs less and you may even be entitled to own one for free.  Only left turns are directed.
Both party's devices include State as well a a new Federal sales tax and promise to keep you spinning your wheels.
©10/2011  Jana B Patrick

Don't Split Hairs Over It

Below is a response from my cousin, Deanne, after I wrote a blog about butchering my sister's haircut:

(  http://janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com/2011/06/sheer-madness.html   )  

When Gordy and I were first married, he announced that I should cut his hair. "ME?!!!" I was sure he was kidding. He said his mother always cut his father's, so I could certainly cut his. Funny when I asked if he had his mother cut his hair, he replied with a resounding "NO!" Having brought the electric clippers home from his mother's house, he said he wanted me to try.  FOOL.

I read the instructions and plugged it in.  I started on the top with a scissors. "Not bad,"  I thought. So I guessed I could handle those clippers. I was standing at his side, and just as I took the first swipe up the back of his head, he grabbed one of my boobs.  So he accidentally got a long, bald, skunk stripe.  I didn't tell him just how close he was sheered. I finished the job and could barely stand to look at him the rest of the night. He showered and never said anything, apparently not having felt the highway down the back of his head.

The next day he had a meeting at the Hennepin County Government Center.  He came home and asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk to him about.
I said, "No."  
"Oh," he replied, "I thought we would need to talk about my haircut."  
I said, "Nope. You're the one that wanted the haircut, and I didn't want to give you one, so you just had to pay the price."  LAST HAIRCUT I ever gave him.
Deanne S.

Random Class Reunion

     The death board of yearbook pix at the last class reunion I attended was a bit ominous. It was hard to be upbeat with all of those frozen 18 year old faces staring at us. I will stop going when that list is longer than the guest list...
     My alma mater is not the only reunions I've attended.  In my early 20's, several of my girlfriends and I went to Chicago annually for Labor Day weekend. One especially fun trip--besides crashing The Bronze Ladies convention and the World Subgenious convention-- we crashed a class reunion.  Walking along the waterfront we saw a docked ship that had a partay going on-- a 5 year class reunion gig!  We snuck in the back entry by the galley, plastered on some name tags and schmoosed!  "Oh, Troy!  You look fantastic!  You haven't changed AT ALL!!!  And we all thought you would be so bald  by now!"  "Cathy!  You look GREAT!  But all your body parts are a solid 6" lower!" "Marilyn--six kids already--wow!! And how many dad's??"       
(just kidding, we DID pretend to know people, but we were NICE!)
     

      Class reunions seem to come more swiftly, gravity keeps tugging harder and harder, "you are as young as you feel,"  (What decrepit optimist made that up?) and  there  is a time for every purpose--where it used to be Miller time, now it's nap time.  (unless I can find a good party) (...that is over by 9pm)
 ©9/2011  Jana B Patrick

Its a Small World Afterall

A few weeks ago our family was at a remote fishing resort in Canada nestled on an island no bigger than an acre. We especially felt what a small speck on the Earth we were as a few of us guests observed the International Space Station on its lonely orbit across the indigo, star studded Canadian sky.   The group got talking and a man from Utah said he used to live in Minnesota and had worked for Dayton's Department Store. Turns out he had had the exact job as I did three years before me as a sales manager of Housewares at Brookdale, one of 13 Dayton's stores...What a small world!.


I recall being in Europe as a young person and waiting for a Heineken Brewery tour in Amsterdam.  I said to my friend, Dianne, "Wouldn't it be something if we ever run into Jeanne McGuire? Her family is traveling in Europe somewhere."  I felt a tap on my back from the person behind me in line.  "She's right over there," her brother laughed and pointed out my college friend. (Admittedly, the fact that it was a beer tour helped boost the odds of this happening.) 


"What a small world!" stories are usually fun.  That is not always the case.  I recall going to a new gynecologist who had me in a compromised position when he said, "You look really familiar."  
 ©2011  Jana B Patrick

Only At the Fair...

           

Our daughter, Lauren, says the Minnesota State Fair is an oasis for kids on leashes and people with 'muffin tops'(where gravity helps belly fat uniformly settle over one's waistband).
People Watching is right behind Pigging Out at any state fair.

Steve recalls that while our family was partaking in some fair fare when the kids were little, a man walked by and laughed, "...Only at the State Fair would a family be eating food right next to an overflowing, fly infested, reeking garbage can..."

In addition to the usual grease-based Heart-Attacks-on-a Stick,  here is a list of some of this year's weirder State Fair foods:
Deep Fried Kool-Aid Balls (California) (What's in the Kool Aid, CA?...Next year's treat will be Deep Fried Medical Marijuana Balls)
Deep Fried Butter and Deep Fried Coke (Texas) Disgusting
Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger With Chocolate Covered Bacon (Wisconsin)
Fudge Covered Scorpion, Mealworm Covered Candied Apples, Deep Fried Crickets, and Smoked Lizards in BBQ Sauce (Arizona)
Elvis on a Stick--Reeses dipped in banana batter and deep fried.  (Wisconsin)
(If Wisconsin decides to use one of their own famous citizens as inspiration--
Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer--steer clear.)       ©2011  Jana B Patrick

Arizona:  Recycling in the extermination industry.

Busiest time of the day at the Minnesota State Fair.  Notice how many folks are at the Spam booth...

California:  PG 13 Deep Fried Frog Butts

Arizona:  Tastes like...popcorn.

Minnesota:  Deep fried pigs ear strips.
Just like Mom used to make.

Check this out:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz_xE_VP0ig
Seriously?  I thought I was making it up... http://www.marijuana.com/cooking-marijuana-recipes/5269-deep-fried-cannaballs-2.html

Like a Bat Out of Hell

     An obnoxiously loud colony of bats has taken up illegal residence under our cabin. It likely is a maternity colony.  
     Many extol the virtues of these furry little flying mammals and, in trying to grasp the attraction and be positive about this experience, I read up on the flea infested, pestilential, disease-carrying blood suckers.  Bats' diets can consist of fruits, flowers, leaves, insects, frogs and ...the blood of vertebrates. The menu all sounds rather fluffy until that last item.  It would be the equivalent of a human browsing the fare at a little French cafe:  "Hmmmm, I'll have some of those yummy sounding eclairs, a few cream puffs, some foie gras and wash it all down with a B Positive martini."


     We are trying to ascertain how to successfully evict the bat mommies and their bat babies into the cold, cruel world. Some window screen material has been placed over the entry point stapled just at the top so a door flap is created--they can push it out when leaving but cannot lift it to get back to their adorable offspring; apparently an exit ramp of a nylon stocking with the foot cut out will do the same trick.  One Internet site has many patrons swearing to the efficacy of strobe lights--I guess it drives them...batty.  Another suggestion is very loud noise. So, when we go up this weekend, I am bringing the Halloween strobe, a disco ball, and will blast some Bee Gee's music--with any luck, the bats will dance 'The Hustle' right out of the cabin.
©2011  Jana B Patrick


P.S.  UPDATE:  The screen worked--they have flown the coop!!!

Hooked on All Creatures Great and Small

     Lauren is 21!  We spent her significant birthday on a fishing trip.  She loved it and wants to live up in the Canadian wilderness. As a little girl, she wore a baseball hat with a stuffed fabric fish on it.  "The fishys in the lake will see my hat and say, 'Oh! There is Friend Walleye!' And they will want me to catch them so that they can be his friend!"  At that young age, actually removing a fish from the hook and filleting it would have required intense grief counseling. She loved and collected frogs, lizards, turtles, spiders (until dreaming about them one night) and any other living creature found around our home in the woods.  Once, she got a new lizard anole which quickly died (after the old one--Mr. Anole-- bit it's head off) Sad seven year old Lauren sobbed and sobbed, "Poor Mrs. Anole!  And poor Toachie! (a turtle that had died the year before) And then she wailed, "And POOR, POOR SANDY!" (her Dad's childhood dog...who died 35 years previously!)
     I remember pulling off a slimy leech that had lodged securely between her toes while swimming.  I flung it out into the grass.  Mistake.  She cried out, "Mom! Go find it!  It will die if it doesn't get back into the water!" Then she spent the afternoon searching the grass in case anyone else had flung leeches that needed rescuing.
     Tonight Lauren fried up our Canadian walleye and washed it down with a purchase from her inaugural trip to the liquor store:  'Black Toad dark ale.'
     Happy birthday, sweetie!
©2011  Jana B Patrick


http://www.lostislandlodge.com/ Lost Island Lodge, Ontario, Canada

Kids Say the Darndest Things

     We just said goodbye to my niece, Chrissy, and her four kids after a six week visit from Tuscon.  Suddenly the house is eerily silent and the abandoned Monopoly game looks lonely.
     I had taken the two youngest to the park so Chrissy could pack.  The six year old, Katie, had to relieve herself NOW and did so discreetly behind a stone wall. She then wanted me to hold her up so she could do some towering monkey bars.  I had to hold onto her thighs so she could reach so high and told her it was too tippy to do it again.  She grinned slyly, "Do you think you would do it again if you didn't have to hold onto my wet skirt?"  Soggy is a better description.  We did it again.
     About three weeks ago, Abby, 3, looked up and observed, "There's our airplane.  It will have to stop when we need to get on."  I certainly hope the pilot refueled.
     I miss them already.
©2011  Jana B Patrick

Magic Carpet Ride!

     Ever since Ryan graduated from high school back in 2004, I've been telling people, "Oh, you can leave your shoes on, we're getting new carpet!"  I thought we'd first get through his graduation party, but then there were hockey parties, New Year's Eve parties, family gatherings etc. and suddenly it was Lauren's grad party in 2009 and Alana's in 2010--each time, each event I would say the same thing.
     After 17 years, WE FINALLY DID IT!!!  We love the new carpet--it's such a breath of fresh air--well, actually that 'new-carpet-smell' is formaldehyde off-gassing--   but STILL!!    Given our past history of putting off re-carpeting, I thought it would make practical sense to get dirt colored carpet this time--our Dakota County dirt is a nice brownish-clay color so it looks GREAT!  Also, if the dog has an accident, it's in the same color family.
     Sooooo, (after disregarding that last comment about the dog) if you visit, please take off your shoes!!!
©2011  Jana B Patrick

Random German Musings

     To my followers in Germany, thanks for reading!  I have a question for you. Yours is such a guttural language--how would one woo someone there?  " I love you and want to spend the rest of my life worshiping you,"  translates to: "Ich liebe euch und mochte den rest meinew lebens verbringen sie niederzuwerfen"  Sadly, this is NOT lovely or romantic. In fact, it sounds like one is discussing a carburetor.
Never mind the spit flying.
     Germany, however, is a lovely country which I visited with my friend Dianne when we were 22.  I still have a glass mug from the Hofbraeuhaus in Munich.  I still feel guilty about this theft.  We tied our sweaters around our waists with the large mugs tucked inside and held another mug out in front of us.  As anticipated, the decoys were confiscated as we whisked through the door while retaining our prizes.  How many mugs are absconded each year? How many people still feel guilty after 33 years? Maybe I should return mine in person...
     Getting to Munich in the first place had been...interesting.  We were in northern Germany and heard that Munich was way down south somewhere and decided to get there via a boat travelling down the Rhine River. One meets a lot of people while travelling thru Europe and this cruise proved no exception.  When our new friends asked us our destination, they looked confused and asked why we were traveling DOWN river.  Apparently the Rhine flows NORTH...away from Munich...eight hours away in our case.  A map was not part of our belongings and we realized after getting home that we had zigzagged all over Europe.
I'm sure glad Deutschland happened to be in our way!         ©2011  Jana B Patrick

©8/2011  Jana B Patrick

Don't Let the (Dead) Cat Out of the Bag!

Guest Blog by Greg Malm

     Recently a couple of women left a local mall in our Iowa town with two shopping bags.   As they approached their car, they came upon a dead, semi-flattened cat.  Being compassionate, they moved their purchases into one bag, and scooped the dead cat into the other bag.  Their plan was to take it to the Humane Society for proper disposal.

     Since the lunch hour was upon them, and shopping tends to create a hunger that can satisfy no woman, they left the cat bag on top of the trunk and went into Bishops Buffet just inside the mall. Piling their plates high, they then sat near the front window.

     The friends noticed a middle aged woman approaching the trunk.  Her neck took on almost demonic 360 degree flexibility as she whipped her head around to see if anyone was looking.  Quickly she snatched the bag and headed toward the mall entrance.  The thief immediately turned into Bishops, and headed toward the food line helping herself to generous portions.  As fate would have it, she sat near the cat friendly pair.

     After a few bites of her gravy slathered food, she decided to peak and see what sort of prize she had collected.  She instantly began to hyperventilate.  She gasped, “I think I am having a heart attack” and fell to the floor.  

     Paramedics arrived shortly, did heart palpitations, and, it is rumored, even used the paddles on this catty woman.  Once stable, they strapped her to a gurney.  One of the paramedics noticed the lady had left her shopping bag on the floor.   As they wheeled the semi-conscious patient out the door, he gently placed the  bag on top of her chest...

                                       *       *       *      *      *      *

     Locally, this story began to spread with each person claiming they knew the person it happened to.  I for one got the same story from two different people.  As it turns out…this story has been around for about 100 years….Grand Blogger, Jana, did her thing and checked the story.  Turns out I was duped and the story is a hoax.  Even so, I have told it several times…including as an ice breaker in a business meeting, and everyone howled with laughter.  Thanks for reading.           I won’t tell anyone if you won't.
Greg Malm                   ©7/2011  by Gregory Malm

Hot and Humid in Minnesota

Our niece, Chrissy, and her 4 terminally cute kids are spending the summer here to get away from the oppressive heat of Tuscon, Arizona. Out of the frying pan and into the fire... So far, we've given them 98 degrees with 81% humidity, 122 degree heat index, severe thunderstorms, 100 mph winds and a tree falling on our cabin.  Welcome to Minnesota.


On a family vacation when I was young, I recall a Colorado boy asking me if I had ever seen grass before. (I know what you're thinking--instead of mowing their grass, they smoke it.) But this kid assumed we had year round winter and snow in Minnesota.  Many southerners believe this. Our governor at the time of  Katrina was one of the first to offer free digs, clothing and food for anyone down in the bayou affected by the hurricane.  Know how many came?  Zero.

We certainly have winter, but summer always arrives. Just ask our son, Ryan, and his family who have no air conditioning in their 100 year old home. We also had none as kids, and my sister and I slept in the upstairs humidor that had the fan that supposedly sucked the sweltering air out of the house. Our sisters on the other  side of the hall got the fan drawing in the cool, night breezes--which stopped abruptly at their doorway.  It never occurred to us to switch the fans, so we sweated and fumed about the bad pick we had made in the room lottery. "Bathed in sweat?" Yes, I've been there.  

Steve, Ryan and I lived in an older home that had only a very old window air conditioner in the office.  Some steaming nights we all slept in there cursing the clunking, sluggishly poor unit. Around that time, Steve and I were watching a movie made in the early 1960's, including a scene with the SAME air conditioner and THEY were complaining about it.  One actor said, "Have you put any Freon in it, Ralph?" Simultaneously we shouted, "We need FREON!!!"  

A July day nearing 100 degrees with the hottest dew point on Earth makes winter seems as if it could not possibly ever happen.   Inevitably it does. 
©7/2011  Jana B Patrick

Fourth of July Q&A

Q:  Why do we never hear of any descendants of "Yankee Doodle?"

A:  His  fiancé, Martha Panky, had declared, "No way  am I going to be a 'Doodle.'   No way am I raising little 'Doodles.'  We're using MY  last name."  Their son, Hankee Panky, was forever grateful and went on to no small fame of his own.

Q:  Why did Yankee Doodle stick a feather in his hat and call it 'macaroni?'

A:  Martha Panky was a buxom gal, and Yankee found food to be the preferred aphrodisiac. Her favorite?  "More." To bolster her self image, he called the treats 'feathers' when they were actually nine pound lasagnas. Tupperware had yet to be invented; the hat was used by default. 

Q:  What is the meaning of the lyrics, 'Yankee Doodle keep it up'? 

A:  It is a little known fact that Yankee Doodle invented Viagra way back in Pre-Revolutionary days.  While he excelled at Research, and, especially, Development, he sucked at Marketing.

Q:  Why is Yankee Doodle referred to as a 'dandy?'

A:  Being a switch hitter,  he liked his men as thick as hasty pudding.

©7/4/2011  Jana B Patrick

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY WEEK!

Yankee Doodle went to town

A-riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his hat
And called it macaroni.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy.

Father and I went down to camp
Along with Captain Gooding
And there we saw the men and boys
As thick as hasty pudding.
©7/4/2011  Jana B Patrick

Sheer Madness

I just got my hair cut in a retro look--longer in front and shorter in back--like a bubble head Barbie from the 60's.  It is a haircut I really wanted the first time it was popular when I was in 6th grade.  Instead, my five sisters and I got the Scotch Tape treatment. Tape was laid on horizontally across one's bangs. ('fringe' to my British friends)  Mothers would cut the hair straight across under the tape.  Our mom, presumably to make this chore only come around every 6 months, would cut ABOVE the tape.  One inch bangs were NOT in style.


So, while our mom and dad were gone one night,  my sister Jackie (12) and I (11) decided to give the cool new bubble hairdo to our sister Betsy (7).  Trustingly naive, she climbed up on a high stool; Jackie started in with the scissors on one side and I on the other... we met in two different places in back.  "No problem," I said, and ran to get the electric clippers. (Used by my dad to give my brother the 'Army Recruit' look when all other males had the 'Jesus' look)  Explaining that I would feather the back, I attached a long comb to the clippers. Holding them at the wrong angle, with the first swipe I gave the lower back of Betsy's head a quarter sized bald spot.  My solution was to shave off a one inch band across the whole back of her head...which became a two inch band when we tried to feather again.  We ditched that idea and blunt cut her thick hair above so it sat like a horizontal shelf overlooking a wasteland of stubble. Betsy walked around for at least a month with shoulders scrunched and head tilted up. Boys at school came up behind and said, "Betsy Buzz Buzzzzzzzzzzz!!!"
Naturally, siblings were equally wicked.


With 7 kids, I don't believe our mom and dad even noticed.  Betsy grew up without therapy and is currently sporting the same hairdo we had attempted to give her in 1968. This time, it looks good.
©6/2011  Jana B Patrick

No Accounting for Taste

Steve was craving a fried pork sandwich as we drove through the backwoods of eastern Iowa one summer. We settled into a corner booth in a mom and pop café in a sleepy town that couldn't have stretched half a mile.  The meal I ordered would be coming with a bread roll, so I asked for some olive oil to dip it into.  The matronly waitress gave me an odd look and said she’d see what she could do. Later she shuffled back carrying two plates and a cereal bowl.  Steve was well pleased with his fried pork sandwich.  She set my plate down with some unremembered food and a plain, pasty white dinner roll.
Looking at me skeptically she said, “We don’t got olive oil, just the corn oil,” and set down the cereal bowl sloshing to the brim with the clear, slippery substance.  
As soon as she was out of earshot we cracked up laughing.  It was a win-win humor fest because the kitchen staff was probably laughing at me.  Can’t you hear the waitress?  “Hey  Clem!  Some lady wants to dip her dinner roll in OIL.” 

“MOTOR OIL??!!”  

“No, you idiot, this stuff!” she says as she starts pouring the Wesson.  “I never heard of such a thing, how much you think I give her?”

Clem replies, “Well fill ‘er up--she might want to dip it all the way in.  No accounting for some folks.  Must be Minnesotans.”
©6/2011  Jana B Patrick

Paging Mike to Lingerie!

I wrote a blog about bursting my JC Penney  bra while in 7th grade: http://janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com/2011/03/day-i-burst-my-bra-or-big-bust.html 
Below is an email sent from my friend, Mike, in response to that blog:


Ok...so here is my JC Penney bra story:   I was assistant store manager several years ago. We were doing Bra Fit Week, and I jokingly said at the morning store meeting that if that department gets swamped..call me and I'll help out. 

Lo and behold I got a call to come to the Lingerie Department about 10:15 a.m.       I arrived and was told a man with "breasts" wanted to have a fitting and was serious.  I didn't ask him too many questions because of privacy concerns and was a little fearful that this was a "setup" from some activist movement testing to see if we would "accommodate". (Not sure if  there is an activist movement on mens bra fittings!!) 
He filled out a bra fit card with name, address and phone number and under 'comments' his biggest problem with his bra was "chaffing around the shoulder straps".  Our biggest problem was do we let him use the womens fitting room or walk him over to the mens. I said let him use the womens and keep everyone else out--which we did. He left buying 3 bras and spent $85. I still remember he was a skinny guy but he measured a 34 B  which to me was impressive!!!

hahahaha

Mike      ©2011

You Put Your Right Hand In; She Puts Your Right Hand Out--and You Shake it All About

I asked 'Nell' about whether her parents were worried about her moving to Chicago when she was 18 in 1943.  A mother can never worry enough, and Nell's wanted her daughter well prepared for the 'city of the big shoulders.'  She told her, "You're going to the doctor today, and he's going to explain sex to you."

Nervously, she waited alone in the doctor's office.  He strode in and said sternly, “Let me tell you about these guys; If you let them start in on you upstairs, (pointing to his chest) then they’re gonna wanna go downstairs, (pointing to his crotch).  If that happens you will go crazy and end up in a mental institution."  And he walked out of the room.

Nell moved to the Windy City likely sporting high buttoned blouses and tightly cinched belts. She recalls one of her neighbors being very upset one night.  She told Nell that, while she and a fellow were dancing, they tripped and fell on top of each other.  The gal was worried she was now pregnant.

I asked Nell when she got the real story on sex, and she remembered a friend explaining it at a gathering.  One of the gals declared, "Well, my parents would NEVER do that!"

Most women of that era played the Hokey Pokey for the first time on their wedding night. The young Mrs. was often heard to comment, "So that's what it's all about."

©6/07/2011  Jana B Patrick

 Happy Birthday, 'Nell!'     "Chicago," by Carl Sandburg, 1916
                                                      Hog butcher for the world,
                                                      Tool maker, stacker of wheat,
                                                      Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler;
                                                      Stormy, husky, brawling,
                                                      City of the big shoulders.

Pants on the Ground

In  the British Commonwealth and surrounding locales,  the word ‘bugger’ is used as in ‘bugger off!’  which would be similar to our  “F” word. Here, 'bugger' is more a form of endearment.  Darren and Arlene, from Northern Ireland, visited a few summers ago, and their eyes grew wide with astonishment when I introduced our nine month old grandson,  “This is John, isn’t he a cute little bugger?”

A memorable ‘Lost in the Translation’ conversation I had was with Darren who first visited us as an 11 year old back in the 1990’s. We had been told that, because of Northern Ireland’s cool climate, kids weren't used to wearing shorts, so we might have to coax him into putting them on in our hot, humid Minnesota summer weather.  Well, no one told me the word ‘pants’ means ‘underwear’ over there, so one very hot morning Darren had on his long pants or should I say,‘trousers...’
“Oh Darren,”  I smiled, “maybe you should put on some shorts; NO ONE wears pants here in the summer—I don’t wear pants, Steve doesn't wear pants, the kids don’t wear pants—Pants are just WAY TOO HOT!!!”  His crimson face should have been the give-away, and thinking back, I don’t recall ever having to launder any underwear that long, sweltering summer…              
©2011, Jana B. Patrick 

P.S. Arlene, that bear in Wisconsin is STILL dead...
(In an ice cream shop, Alana had pointed out a taxidermied bear, "Arlene, Look at that bear behind you."   Arlene turned and screamed and almost hit the ceiling. ) 
Arlene recently wrote:  "our anniversary is the 3rd of june, we are heading up to Bangor to stay on a wee farm in the country for a few days-- am really excited-- no bears tho, lol. everytime i eat ice cream i still think about that-- was soooooo funny lol."
Happy First Anniversary, Darren and Arlene!
PPS-  Arlene just reminded me;  I use the word 'Nook'  (a brand) or nookie to mean a baby's pacifier--I guess it also means sex.  Here's her comment today:- Jana, I'll also never forget you saying to that man in the harbour (in Northern Ireland) that wee boy has lost his nookie-- my face near hit the ground!