Loo Loo Skip to My Loo! Skip to My Loo My Darling!

What can you get for $37?

A haircut

A pair of jeans

About 9 loaves of bread

Or a toilet.  Now isn't that one of the last remaining true bargains EVER?  $37!  For a porcelain wonder that we all take for granted. The ‘designer’ ones can go as high as $250 or more which still seems like a bargain. (Especially considering the alternative.) And who are these ‘toidy designers’ anyway?  Don’t you kind of feel sorry for them in a social situation?  “What do you do for your job?” 

“I design decorative functional household objets d' art.”   

“Oh, cool!  So, what kind of function?”   

“For eliminating human waste, you know, defecation, urination, that sort of thing.”  

It's a conversation atomic bomb.

It wasn't always so unmentionable.  Back in the Middle Ages, homes used to have two holers in the ‘privy’ for commode comradery, Loo laughs, tête-á-têtes.  Conversation...etc... flowed! 

I wonder if that is why, to this day, women always go to el baño in pairs?

Prior to the early 1900’s, so for most of human history, people had no toilets or municipal sewers whisking bodily functions to Never-Never Land. One, two and three ply tissue was instead such things as corn cobs, wool, the Sears Roebuck catalog, or, in the case of one ancient people, "reusable pebbles one carried on their person in a special bag."  'Special' bag, indeed!

My great aunt had her family’s first ‘indoor plumbing’ built as a room accessed only by the back porch.  She declared, “Nobody is going to do 'THAT' in MY house!”

In a recent bathroom remodel we bought a toilet that is 'Comfort Height' as opposed to 'Chair Height.' Presumably some hoity toidy designer thinks the latter would function in the dining room as well--(if nothing else, it would be efficient). Ours has a patented 'Quick Release Seat' and, when I asked my husband what that meant, he replied, "That's for when you gotta go really bad, you run into the bathroom and the lid pops up automatically."

It was while doing this remodel that we discovered the opening price point of a toilet is $37.  Truly, truly amazing!

Well, that's all!  Gotta go! 

        

©2011  Jana B Patrick

(Speaking of "chair height,"  you gotta see thisScroll to #3:   http://www.delish.com/food-fun/weird-restaurants: 

Also, check out Bill Bryson's new book,  "AT HOME: A Short History of Private Life" where I discovered the Middle Ages info!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilet_paper (special bag of pebbles)

Boot Camp Blues

I work out almost daily—the elliptical, treadmill or bike; or an hour of hockey; maybe weights.  Until last night, I thought I was in great shape.  Nope, not even minutely close. Galaxies away from ‘In Shape.’ Think Elvis in the 70’s.  In fact, think King Tut now. 

I took a “Boot Camp” class at mySt. Paul gym.  I can type this because my fingers are the only part of my body that don't hurt. I’m sitting on a hot rice pack and my thankful glutes are singing the ‘ Hallelujah Chorus’.

There had been mainly young people in the class with a few of us oldsters pathetically huddled against one wall. Overall, most of us did a modified version of what we were supposed to inflict upon unsuspecting, under-served muscles.  If I don’t normally use these muscles, then I obviously don’t need them, so why not toast Evolution and retire their numbers? 

I wonder what sadist came up with the moves the instructor was doing? Then she added tortuous medicine balls and stretchy ropes that seemed directly derived from Guantanamo Bay. (I will NOT be taking water aerobics from her!)  This was supposed to be a Beginner class.  Yeah...  Guess I won’t be graduating.  Like the little kids in sports now-a-days, I wonder if I’ll get a ‘Participation’ trophy for coming in LAST PLACE?!!

And how the heck am I going to walk upstairs tonight???  I think Advil and I will be sleeping on the sofa.

©10/10/2010  Jana B Patrick

How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You to Quit Tip-Toeing Thru the Damn Tulips?!!

Have you ever heard of the ‘Tulip Craze?’

Tulips, which had been introduced from Turkey to Holland in 1593, had become very vogue by the early 1600’s. In due course they were attacked by a plant virus; but rather than killing them, it caused flame-like colors on the petals increasing the rarity of the highly prized flower.  Rare varieties began to reach astronomical values.  Soon people began paying the value of a house for a few tulip bulbs.  Hello?  Anybody home?  Oh, I guess not, you have no home, Hans; you bought some tulip bulbs instead.  I bet Brigitta thinks you’re quite the catch!
Money and tulips became one and the same.  “Bjorn,we haff no guilders! Little Bjorn is languishing and needs to see the doctor!”  “Oh ya, Hilde, --You think the doctor would take a Flaming Fiona Red?” 

The bulbs eventually became a commodity on the Dutch stock exchanges so everyone could get in on the fun.  At the height of the craze buyers could get a single bulb in exchange for large estates or entire life savings. Presumably they were hoping to make loads of money by planting the bulb and having lots of tulip bulb offspring--enough money to buy ...a large estate or something...


Local legend has it that some wealthy Dutchmen skating on a canal in 1635 were overheard bragging about their business acumen.   Van Vandervere boasted, “I yust invested in two sailing ships.”  Niels Nielsen countered, “Well, I yust bought three textile mills.”  Jan Janssen then chuckled and shook his head, “I beat you guys, I yust bought a flower!!!”

The speculation reached its fever pitch around 1636 with tons of money pouring into the market, including speculation on tulip futures—the bulbs hadn’t even been planted yet and Inge busted her piggy bank for them.  But, as you will see, maybe she should have saved up for Beanie Babies…

In early 1637 the market was saturated, and some traders started to sell, often in huge amounts.  As the lemmings saw that the market was turning, they panicked and unloaded all of their tulip stock, causing the bubble to burst.  So a tulip bulb bought for the price of an estate with an oceanfront view was then devalued to the price of a potato.  At least one could eat a potato.
©2011, Jana B. Patrick