How to Get Rock Hard Glutes

This is a November 2011 story from legitimate news sources--really!  MIAMI--A woman who wanted to work at a nightclub looked for someone who could perform inexpensive plastic surgery to give her a curvier body.  Police said what she found was a man posing as a female doctor who filled her buttocks with cement, mineral oil and "Fix-a-Flat' flat-tire inflator.
     Oneal-Ron Morris, 30, was arrested. The victim allegedly paid $700 for Morris to inject her in several sites on her derriere, pumping it full of the toxic material. The victim described some of the 'tools' Morris used as rubber tubing attached to a cooler. She felt enormous pressure and then intense pain but was assured it would be over soon. The wounds were sealed with Super Glue. She went to the hospital for abdominal pains.


Here's how I imagine the 'victim's' E.R visit went:

Victim:  My stomach really hurts, doc!

Doctor:  When did your symptoms start?

Victim:  Pretty much right after I had my ass filled with a cooler full of cement.

Doctor:  You had foreign material injected into you?!

Victim:  Oh no!  Not foreign!!-- Cement from the U.S.A. for sure--I seen the truck out front. Hey, maybe I'm sick from the Super Glue used to close up the butt holes--

Doctor:  Your anus is glued shut?!

Victim:  No!  haha--not THAT  hole, you silly doctor!--that would be pretty STUPID don't you think?! (Did you really go to Med school, Doc?)  Haha--no, just the holes where the concrete was poured in.  And doc? How'm I suppose to work at the club while hauling around a 500 pound booty?

Doctor:  Sorry lady, we can't help you here; I'm referring you to  
a Structural Engineer.  

And if I were you?   AVOID swimming.

Mug shots of  the 'DOCTOR'  that performed the 'surgery.'
  Transgender 'doc' Ron-Oneal Morris.
With a butt the size and weight of Texas, she really inspires confidence.

'Stone Butt Brand' Hypoallergenic Surgical Cement                           'Fix a Flat' Butt inflator

©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Here is one of the articles written in Miami:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/11/18/2509172/doctor-accused-of-injecting-womans.html#ixzz1eVExztxU

Gobble Gobble

Benjamin Franklin in a 1784 letter to his daughter:  
"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen for the Representative of our Country.  He is a bird of bad moral Character.  He does not get his Living honestly.  You may have seen him perched on some dead tree near the river, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labor of the Fishing Hawk: and when that diligent bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Eagle pursues him and takes it from him. In truth, the Turkey is in comparison a  much more respectable Bird..."

Benjamin Franklin's daughter sent the following reply:
"Dad, are you freaking kidding me??"

©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Fly the Friendly Skies

      I was with my daughter-in-law, Caroline, and her 1 1/2 and almost three year old boys on an airplane recently.  Southwest airlines has patrons line up and board onto any seat found. Interestingly,  no other passengers grabbed the coveted window and aisle seats within several miles of us. As the plane filled, those that were forced to be our neighbors had aspects of martyrdom. Justifiably.  
Naps??? We don't need no stinkin' naps!     
     There would be no energy crisis if we could bottle up the pent up energy of our toddler citizens. 
      After three and a half hours we arrived. I was certain the people in front of us would serve us papers for how the boys' restless-leg-syndrome and tray table up/down fixations had compromised their flight. (The boys are so darn cute which may have been the charm, because those people very kindly got up and left--possibly to the airport bar...)
     The return flight?  Fast asleep before takeoff! 
     I just love those boys!!!  I'll sit next to them anytime!
©10/2011  Jana B Patrick

11/11/11 The Ants Go Marching One by One by One by One by One by One...

This year we will have experienced four unusual dates:

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11 and 11/11/11

And that's not all:  Take the last two digits of the year you were born - now add the age you will be this year.  The answer for everyone in the world is 111.  Who ever said math is not fun?  (ME)  Try this: 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321

Random 11/11/11 factoid:  
One hundred years ago, November 11, 1911, The Great Blue Norther descended upon mid America. The day started out fine; there were even record highs of up to 80 degrees (27C) Suddenly temperatures began to drop.  Within ten minutes it dropped 40 to 50 degrees and by midnight lows in some areas were in the single digits (-13C). Many cities recorded record breaking highs and lows on that same day. Janesville, Wisconsin had an F4 tornado followed an hour later by a blizzard. Throughout the midwest there were duststorms, thunderstorms, tornadoes and blizzards with over 300 deaths reported.
“Dearest Nell!  Let’s celebrate 11/11/1911! It’s a beautiful day for a picnic—nearly 80 degrees, darling!”

“Oh, precious heart, what shall I bring?”

“Why, your sun bonnet and parasol to protect your lovely skin, your fan to cool my darling, some iced lemonade to refresh---and it wouldn’t hurt to throw in a snowmobile suit, tundra boots and survival flares for just-in-case.”

 “…Huh???  Snowmo—what???”

Happy 11/11/11!!!!!!     ©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Duct Tape Costume

http://www.youtube.com/user/LaurenPatrickFilms#p/u/1/KOtvGfnoSn4

Click on the above U TUBE link to see how Lauren made her Halloween costume.  It just makes a parent burst with pride seeing their daughter as a beer bottle--don'cha think???          ©2011  Jana B Patrick