Fruit Cake

While randomly searching the archives of a library, I came across a dusty tome from the 1770’s!  Inscribed on the front in quill pen was the word “SHRED;” but it had survived!  It holds minutes of meetings from around the time of the American Revolution!! 

Page 171 shows Patrick Henry’s famous December 1775 speech, and astonishingly, it has been altered from the original by (embarrassed?) historians!  The notes show that he actually said to Martha Washington (It was her turn to bring treats to the meeting) “Give me liberty or give me death, but DON’T give me no more fruitcake!”  …Amazing.  

And the Boston ‘Tea’ Party?  HA!  It was in reality 15 tons of—you guessed it—FRUITCAKE!!!  “You're darn tooting that King George will know WE mean business when he hears about THIS!” quipped John Hancock on page 234, "And we’ll call it ‘The Boston Fruitcake Party!’”  “Ya know,” broke in John Adams, “the harbor is really starting to fester; let’s dump in some tea bags to soak it up.” Ergo the historical mistake.

…Page 305 tells how George Washington thought we should be nicknamed 'The Great Melting Pot.’  “No!!”  Thomas Paine vehemently shouted, "It's only COMMON SENSE that we be called ’THE GREAT FRUITCAKE!!!’   “Don’t even go there, Tom,” Washington interrupted, “That would only encourage Martha to bake more of the vile things—they're so tough on the molars…I’m the boss, so ‘Melting Pot’ it is and that’s final, and this meeting is adjourned.  Harumphhh.”

I’m reading all of this and thinking ‘mini series,’ and just as I turn the last brittle page, the book crumbles and turns to dust.  I wonder if people will believe me?  Hollywood will.
©12/2002  Jana B Patrick
  

Extreme Hockey Gear Testing

I backed the Chevy Suburban over my hockey bag.


I was bringing almost 3 year old John, my grandson, to an ice rink.  I loaded up the bag with skates, helmets, elbow and shin pads; threw it behind the locked truck, then ran and got John loaded in. When we got to the rink I realized my mistake. One might think I would have felt us go over the bag, but, no, in four wheel drive Reverse is always bumpy.  
I feared the worst as I drove back home. With dismay I saw tire tracks covering the bag.  However, the protective gear did what it was suppose to, and looked none the worse for having 1 1/2 tons of truck roll over it.  Except my very old shin pads. The right one got a little squished but actually fits much better.  Naturally one wishes to look slim in addition to symmetrical while playing hockey, so I am considering  running over the left one as well.          ©12/2011  Jana B Patrick

Kids catch on fast--see above, then this is John's next time out on the ice!

What Men Do While Women Shop

Dear Mrs. Peabody,

Over the Christmas season, your husband, Mr. Percy Peabody, has become quite problematic in our store while you are busy shopping.  Several of our employees are seeking counseling. We cannot tolerate this behavior and our corporate lawyers are anticipating a feeding frenzy.  Complaints are as follows:

November 25:  Showed customers his driver's license and demanded to know whether they have seen this escaped convict.

November 26:  Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at five minute intervals.

December 1:  Made a trail of ketchup leading to the bathrooms.

December 3:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "The vegetables are staging an uprising in Produce; Call Security NOW!'

December 5:  Tried on a pair of trousers backwards and asked an employee if they made his butt look big.

December 7:  Wearing pajamas and bouncing on a display bed, he asked customers to get pillows from Bedding and join him for a slumber party.

December 10:  When an employee asked if he needed any help he began to cry and demanded, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

December 11:  Looked right into the Security camera, used it as a mirror and flossed his teeth in a disgusting fashion.

December 14:  darted about the store suspiciously while humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme song.

December 17:  Hid in a clothing rack and when customers browsed, called out, "Pick me!  Pick me!"

December 19:  Surveyed customers about preferences for traditional burial versus cremation and whether they would like an Early Bird discount.

December 21:  Went into a fitting room and yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

December 22:  Wearing a 'New Employee' badge, asked a Hardware Department employee how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

December 23:  Dressed as an exterminator and while snapping two large rat traps open and shut, walked through the Grocery Department calling, "Here mousy, mousy, mousy--come to Daddy!"

December 24:  Posing as a Food Sampler, dared customers to take a bite of fruitcake while offering medical assistance and free hospitalization if things went badly.