What Men Do While Women Shop

Dear Mrs. Peabody,

Over the Christmas season, your husband, Mr. Percy Peabody, has become quite problematic in our store while you are busy shopping.  Several of our employees are seeking counseling. We cannot tolerate this behavior and our corporate lawyers are anticipating a feeding frenzy.  Complaints are as follows:

November 25:  Showed customers his driver's license and demanded to know whether they have seen this escaped convict.

November 26:  Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at five minute intervals.

December 1:  Made a trail of ketchup leading to the bathrooms.

December 3:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "The vegetables are staging an uprising in Produce; Call Security NOW!'

December 5:  Tried on a pair of trousers backwards and asked an employee if they made his butt look big.

December 7:  Wearing pajamas and bouncing on a display bed, he asked customers to get pillows from Bedding and join him for a slumber party.

December 10:  When an employee asked if he needed any help he began to cry and demanded, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

December 11:  Looked right into the Security camera, used it as a mirror and flossed his teeth in a disgusting fashion.

December 14:  darted about the store suspiciously while humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme song.

December 17:  Hid in a clothing rack and when customers browsed, called out, "Pick me!  Pick me!"

December 19:  Surveyed customers about preferences for traditional burial versus cremation and whether they would like an Early Bird discount.

December 21:  Went into a fitting room and yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

December 22:  Wearing a 'New Employee' badge, asked a Hardware Department employee how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

December 23:  Dressed as an exterminator and while snapping two large rat traps open and shut, walked through the Grocery Department calling, "Here mousy, mousy, mousy--come to Daddy!"

December 24:  Posing as a Food Sampler, dared customers to take a bite of fruitcake while offering medical assistance and free hospitalization if things went badly.