One More Week and Counting...

I can't wait for our daughter Lauren to come back from a school year in Northern Ireland!!!  Here's a few stories from when she was little  (I miss her so much that I've been going thru the baby books!)

Almost 2:  She toddled over to Steve and asked, "You have any money?"
Steve laughed, "What do you want money for?"
"I need to put some in my pockets."  Then she patted the sides of her shorts and exclaimed, "Oh! I don't have any pockets!"  And toddled away.

Age 3 1/2:  Lauren came into our room and Steve said, "Lauren, what are you doing up so early?"
"I was sleeping, but then my fingernails were growing and I woke up!"
Steve asked if she was going to go back to bed.
"Not until you cut my fingernails!"

Age 4:  Older brother Ryan (9) had drawn several really nice pictures the night before.  I noticed Lauren busy coloring in the morning.  She stood up so sweetly and said, "I accidentally colored on one of Ryan's pictures--accidentally!"  She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head in disbelief, " I colored on this one, and this one and this one and this one --but accidentally just!"

Age 5:  Lauren and younger sister Alana were counting their fingers and both came up with different amounts.  Lauren said, "Well, I must have less fingers than you do, Alana.

The years slip by so quickly!  Maybe this week will, too.
©/2012  Jana B. Patrick,  janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com

Flying the Friendly Skies

A woman was laying down across three seats at New York's Laguardia Airport. She was softly crying.  Her husband was comforting her.  I was on my way back to Minnesota and assumed she must be going there for a very sad funeral or something.
As fate would have it, they were seated across the aisle from me.  She continued to cry as the plane was loading.  We began to taxi to the runway.  The crying increased.  We took off.  Now she's got her head between her legs sobbing.  
Aha! She's afraid of flying.
Soon the pilot gets on the microphone and tells us we will be leveling out at 30,000 feet.  "WAAAAAAAA!"
And that we are traveling at 700 miles an hour...."WAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
And that we will be flying over Lake Michigan...  "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
So I press the call button, and, when the flight attendant comes, I indicate the sobbing, out of control aerophobic, "She's freaking out over there.  Could you please tell the pilot to quit with the statistics?"
So the next thing you know, the co-pilot comes sauntering down the aisle to talk to her!  She really flips out, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!  WHO'S FLYING THE AIRPLANE?!!!"
©5/2012  Jana B Patrick

Moving Sale: 25 Years Worth of Sh!t

We saw the above sign while in Arizona last winter.  Pretty funny. Sure wish we had gone to the sale--we've had fun thinking of things we would like to have said:

"Hey, you've got some really good sh!t here."

"Look!  They got some Collectors sh!t over there!""

"Wow!  Great prices for good sh!t like this!"

"Would you take ten bucks for that sh!t?"

"Does this piece of sh!t work?"

"How much do you want for that pile of sh!t over there?"

"Hey man, you got any, you know, car sh!t...or yard sh!t...or any kinda tool sh!t?"

"I wonder if this sh!tload will fit in my car.

"Buy that for the kids--They love playing with sh!t like that."

"Look at that old sh!t.  They just don't make sh!t the way they used to"

"Oh, look!  Here's a box of FREE sh!t!"
©5/2012  Jana B Patrick

Requiem of a Lightbulb

Eulogy of Edwin C. Wattage (ALL of fictional Edwin's maladies from CFL's can happen--just sayin')

     We are all going to miss Edwin badly.  If only he hadn't sat so close to the lamp with the compact florescent light bulb--a CFL.  All he ever wanted was to read romance novels--is that asking too much?  Should a person get cancer just from wanting to read a book with Fabio on the cover? Poor Edwin who never was much to look at anyway--getting severe UV ray burns...from a CFL light bulb, for crying out loud!  How was he suppose to know that long lasting CFL's would give him a face the color of ketchup? After all those years of carefully applying SPF 80 for sun protection--who would have guessed he needed to lather up before reading by the CFL? It just brings tears to your eyes.  
     Oh, and the mercury! Bless Edwin's soul, how did he know that knocking over his lamp during a particularly vapid Romance Novel Climax, accidentally shattering the CFL and sweeping it up would be a BAD IDEA? It was poor timing that his toxic waste bio-hazard outfit was at the cleaners that day.  
     All this was tragic enough, but we'll never know for sure if he wanted to just end it all when he put that last fateful CFL in the socket with a dimmer switch.  Did he know CFL's in a dimmer can cause a FIRE?  It proved to be his final bright flash of light before eternal darkness.  Poor Ed, rest in peace! 
©5/2012  Jana B Patrick

FYI:  From The CBS Early Show (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703445904576118530602868542.html) The hosts were praising the government's 2007 energy bill which will phase out traditional incandescent Edison bulbs in January 2013.  The hosts like the CFL's--good for the environment, use less energy etc-but the part of the dialog below has me scratching my head:

Wragge said: "And the CFLs are also better for the environment and that's one of the big reasons behind this push." Cochran admitted: "Well, yes and no. I mean, they're burning less carbon or creating less carbon. But when you get rid of them, there's a little bit of mercury in them....So I wouldn't say they're necessarily better for the environment, at the end, if you break them." Wragge added: "And you also have to be very careful of them...they can break very easily." Cochran made a suggestion: "Yeah, you don't want to, maybe, use them in your kids' room where they can knock it over and the mercury inside can possibly – you know, mercury is not something you want to play around with."

At one point, Cochran explained: "Sometimes they [CFLs] have to be recycled or your city or your county may require a certain method of getting rid of them." The Environmental Protection Agency has a three-page manual describing how to properly clean up a broken CFL bulb. The "before cleanup" steps include: "a.) Have people and pets leave the room. b.) Air out the room for 5-10 minutes by opening a window or door. c.) Shut off the central forced air heating/air conditioning system, if you have one."

My friend Carol W's comment:   

yeah...I was aware of the mercury--but not the other UV danger--or that they wear out if you turn them on and off! A ways back--I had puchased a nice "costco size" pack of the 'mercury bulbs" (as I like to call them)... and of course I broke one. got on my hands and knees--nose close to the floor for the final clean-up. They shatter into micro sized bits like nobodys biz! Had to use the wet paper towel method to clean it up completely (and I'm sure I didn't get it all!). Weeks later I was thowing the box away and something, in very tiny print, caught my eye. Guess what it was? The little bit about there being mercury in them! Good grief! Me and my dogs walked in it AND inhaled it! criminy !!!!

I came across some info on the subject that is both good news and bad. The industry has an alternative to the 'mercury bulb"... it will be free of harmfull chemicals and last (I think) some incredible long period of years! However, they will be mighty expensive! I think the laws were changed to 'out-law' normally bulbs a bit too soon!

Are Surprise Parties REALLY a Good Idea?

My brother-in-law Kerry was relating how he and his wife, Dianne, had felt sheepish having not done much for their daughter, Alexis, and son-in-law, Paul's, February birthdays.  A two month late surprise party would be just the ticket. They called up Alexis asking her to stop by on a certain April evening and to make SURE she bring Paul, too--that is was VERY IMPORTANT that they BOTH come over.


When those doing the inviting are in their twenties or thirties and give such instructions, the invitees smile to themselves and think, "Oh!  They must want to tell us they are engaged!"  or, "Oh!  How wonderful!  They must be pregnant!"


When those doing the inviting give such instructions and are in their SIXTIES, the invitees (Alexis and Paul in this case) suddenly freeze and think, "OH NO!!! One of them must have CANCER OR SOMETHING!!!"


So, the birthdays were celebrated without the surprise fanfare after Alexis was assured that Kerry and Dianne were indeed healthy and plan to stick around and continue depleting her inheritance...


Kerry also told me of the time Dianne turned thirty. Dozens of friends and family waited in the darkened house for them to arrive after dining out. Just as Kerry guided Dianne toward the front door, she saw a shadow move in the window. She tried to dive behind Kerry and whispered frantically, "I think there's a burglar!  YOU go first!" Knowing the group would soon jump out and surprise Dianne, Kerry prodded her forward insisting SHE go first.  I'm sure he said something reassuring like, "Oh, Dianne, if it's just a silly burglar, I'm sure we can scare him off! And the chances he's armed are slim---maybe as low as 20%. YOU go ahead, dear."


So, bottom line: Surprise Parties: Are they a good idea?  Half the time people figure it out ahead and have to PRETEND they are surprised, and for the other half, the birthday victim is scared into a possible CORONARY. (which might make it their LAST birthday.  In which case, the cupcakes and crock pot weenies wouldn't be entirely wasted as it would instead become a send-off party of sorts.) 
 ©4/2012  Jana B Patrick