Don't Let the (Dead) Cat Out of the Bag!

Guest Blog by Greg Malm

     Recently a couple of women left a local mall in our Iowa town with two shopping bags.   As they approached their car, they came upon a dead, semi-flattened cat.  Being compassionate, they moved their purchases into one bag, and scooped the dead cat into the other bag.  Their plan was to take it to the Humane Society for proper disposal.

     Since the lunch hour was upon them, and shopping tends to create a hunger that can satisfy no woman, they left the cat bag on top of the trunk and went into Bishops Buffet just inside the mall. Piling their plates high, they then sat near the front window.

     The friends noticed a middle aged woman approaching the trunk.  Her neck took on almost demonic 360 degree flexibility as she whipped her head around to see if anyone was looking.  Quickly she snatched the bag and headed toward the mall entrance.  The thief immediately turned into Bishops, and headed toward the food line helping herself to generous portions.  As fate would have it, she sat near the cat friendly pair.

     After a few bites of her gravy slathered food, she decided to peak and see what sort of prize she had collected.  She instantly began to hyperventilate.  She gasped, “I think I am having a heart attack” and fell to the floor.  

     Paramedics arrived shortly, did heart palpitations, and, it is rumored, even used the paddles on this catty woman.  Once stable, they strapped her to a gurney.  One of the paramedics noticed the lady had left her shopping bag on the floor.   As they wheeled the semi-conscious patient out the door, he gently placed the  bag on top of her chest...

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     Locally, this story began to spread with each person claiming they knew the person it happened to.  I for one got the same story from two different people.  As it turns out…this story has been around for about 100 years….Grand Blogger, Jana, did her thing and checked the story.  Turns out I was duped and the story is a hoax.  Even so, I have told it several times…including as an ice breaker in a business meeting, and everyone howled with laughter.  Thanks for reading.           I won’t tell anyone if you won't.
Greg Malm                   ©7/2011  by Gregory Malm

Hot and Humid in Minnesota

Our niece, Chrissy, and her 4 terminally cute kids are spending the summer here to get away from the oppressive heat of Tuscon, Arizona. Out of the frying pan and into the fire... So far, we've given them 98 degrees with 81% humidity, 122 degree heat index, severe thunderstorms, 100 mph winds and a tree falling on our cabin.  Welcome to Minnesota.


On a family vacation when I was young, I recall a Colorado boy asking me if I had ever seen grass before. (I know what you're thinking--instead of mowing their grass, they smoke it.) But this kid assumed we had year round winter and snow in Minnesota.  Many southerners believe this. Our governor at the time of  Katrina was one of the first to offer free digs, clothing and food for anyone down in the bayou affected by the hurricane.  Know how many came?  Zero.

We certainly have winter, but summer always arrives. Just ask our son, Ryan, and his family who have no air conditioning in their 100 year old home. We also had none as kids, and my sister and I slept in the upstairs humidor that had the fan that supposedly sucked the sweltering air out of the house. Our sisters on the other  side of the hall got the fan drawing in the cool, night breezes--which stopped abruptly at their doorway.  It never occurred to us to switch the fans, so we sweated and fumed about the bad pick we had made in the room lottery. "Bathed in sweat?" Yes, I've been there.  

Steve, Ryan and I lived in an older home that had only a very old window air conditioner in the office.  Some steaming nights we all slept in there cursing the clunking, sluggishly poor unit. Around that time, Steve and I were watching a movie made in the early 1960's, including a scene with the SAME air conditioner and THEY were complaining about it.  One actor said, "Have you put any Freon in it, Ralph?" Simultaneously we shouted, "We need FREON!!!"  

A July day nearing 100 degrees with the hottest dew point on Earth makes winter seems as if it could not possibly ever happen.   Inevitably it does. 
©7/2011  Jana B Patrick

Fourth of July Q&A

Q:  Why do we never hear of any descendants of "Yankee Doodle?"

A:  His  fiancé, Martha Panky, had declared, "No way  am I going to be a 'Doodle.'   No way am I raising little 'Doodles.'  We're using MY  last name."  Their son, Hankee Panky, was forever grateful and went on to no small fame of his own.

Q:  Why did Yankee Doodle stick a feather in his hat and call it 'macaroni?'

A:  Martha Panky was a buxom gal, and Yankee found food to be the preferred aphrodisiac. Her favorite?  "More." To bolster her self image, he called the treats 'feathers' when they were actually nine pound lasagnas. Tupperware had yet to be invented; the hat was used by default. 

Q:  What is the meaning of the lyrics, 'Yankee Doodle keep it up'? 

A:  It is a little known fact that Yankee Doodle invented Viagra way back in Pre-Revolutionary days.  While he excelled at Research, and, especially, Development, he sucked at Marketing.

Q:  Why is Yankee Doodle referred to as a 'dandy?'

A:  Being a switch hitter,  he liked his men as thick as hasty pudding.

©7/4/2011  Jana B Patrick

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY WEEK!

Yankee Doodle went to town

A-riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his hat
And called it macaroni.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy.

Father and I went down to camp
Along with Captain Gooding
And there we saw the men and boys
As thick as hasty pudding.
©7/4/2011  Jana B Patrick