Air On the Side of Caution

    WASHINGTON D.C.-- Last Monday the Environmental Protection Agency released the results of a 7 year, $1.5 billion dollar study on the effects of urban air pollution.  The 7,111,200 page report finds that to remain healthy, people in cities with very poor air quality such as Los Angeles, Phoenix or New York City should refrain from breathing.  "Human lung disease directly attributed to poor air quality can be virtually eliminated by simply holding one's breath, " states study director Errol Shtinks.  He concedes that,  "If one is not willing to hold one's breath ALL the time, then at least do it  when encountering smokers huddled pathetically at building entrances."
     Shtinks team was encouraged by a surprising benefit to folks not breathing within the cities--"CO2 emissions, when one normally exhales, were virtually eliminated thus cutting way down on greenhouse gasses.  Instead, upon leaving the city, the pent up CO2 can be released from one's lungs and be more fairly and equitably distributed within the suburbs."
     The protocol  shows statistically insignificant side effects including severe migraine headaches, turning a deep shade of cerulean blue, and asphyxiation.


     Upon completion of this study, Shtinks feared his staff would be laid off and has written a proposal for a $1.5 trillion dollar federal grant to determine how the words 'illegal alien' affect our culture. He states, "While we acknowledge that most people know perfectly well what those words mean, there may be one, possibly two Americans that think we are being invaded by extraterrestrial outlaws
--as if the Earth is a giant Australia-esque holding tank for outer-space bad guys. We want to find out what those one or two Americans really feel about it:
     "(A) They may not give a rat's a.ss,
      or (B) They may do desperate things like abduct the perceived E.T's (extraterrestrials) to, say, New York City, Phoenix or L.A  and force them to 'breathe deeply!'"
 ©3/2012  Jana B Patrick
From Mike B:  I am holding my breath they get the next research grant!