Heart Attack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack!

Short (FUNNY) video on Heart Attacks--Please Watch!
I thought 'how can this be funny...'
But it is great!  Please share!
Very well done, funny, but scary, too!

http://www.surreywellness.com/go-for-red-women-premiere-short-film-just-a-little-heart-attack/
Thanks for sending me this, Lynne!

Zumba For Dummies

I don't think they make ice packs large enough for all of my body parts that hurt. My St. Paul gym offered a 'Zumba' class tonight so I thought, "Why not?  It might be a good aerobic workout--whatever Zumba means." I guessed it meant we would zoom around the room a little.

Not quite so.  It is Latin dancing on steroids.  My hips do not do Latin dancing. I am built anatomically incorrect.  ---After all, my ancestors did the Polka.  The instructor, a young, energetic woman with hips that gyrated like a set of hyperactive maracas, was built for such movement. She was amazing.

I was at least two decades older than most of the participants who will likely go about their day tomorrow as if tonight's torture had simply energized them.  I, on the other hand, will appreciate why older people like homes with no stairs and use walkers.     
(P.S.  It really was fun--if you are into pain and humiliation in any small way.)
©9/2012  Jana B Patrick

World Champion Crepitationist

Lauren and Alana adored their older brother, Ryan, and fell for his tricks EVERY time. He would excitedly shout, "Hey girls!  I have something for you!"  Happy with anticipation his little sisters, five and six years his junior, would ALWAYS say, "What is it!!???"  He would run into the room, let loose a ripping fart, laugh devilishly, and bound away...

Boys grow up and nothing changes.  Below is a link to a 1946 radio broadcast of the Great Crepitation (fart) Contest. Scroll down to the 'Listen Now"  Listen as least to the part where the opponent from 'Australia' joins in the trumpeting. 
©9/2012  Jana B Patrick
http://randsesotericotr.podbean.com/2008/05/14/the-great-crepitation-contest-of-1946/

Everything You See I Owe to Spaghetti

The first thing I noticed from the air as we were landing back in the U. S. from Italy was the depressing sight of a giant McDonald's.  My daughter, Alana, and I had just spent eight days eating delicious, healthy, real food.
The Italian grocery store I went to had half the store devoted to fresh fish on beds of ice, gourmet cheeses, crusty bakery breads, miles of fresh vegetables and fruits and their 'to go' foods were homemade lasagnas, grilled vegetables, and savory sandwiches of prosciutto and goat cheese.  Italy's truck stops had shelves of home made cheeses and Delis complete with chefs; the condiment counters had 27 varieties of olive oil.

In America, if  'food' doesn't have 57 additives we eye it with suspicion.  If it doesn't have a shelf life of 35 years we forsake it.  Cerulean Blue, Bubblegum Pink and Day-Glo Green are considered acceptable food colors.  'Homemade' means making something from a box. And most importantly, our edibles must be breaded and deep fried to be recognized for human consumption. 

Italian Quote:  "Everything you see I owe to spaghetti." -- Sophia Loren

American Quotes:  "Everything you see I owe to SpaghettiOs."  Rosanne Barr  (I'm kidding!) 

  "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles

"Never eat more than you can lift." -- Miss Piggy, Muppet 

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin 

"Give me liberty or... OOOooor... A jelly donut!" -— Homer Simpson
©9/2012  Jana B Patrick

In the Land of Sky Blue Water...or Blue-Eyed Water....

 We have a friend, Kevin, who sells home water filtration systems.  Consumers may soon have another reason to buy one.  Minnesota just became the second state to have fire-free "Green Cremations." Where it normally takes about 25 years for a body to decompose, it can now be done in a three hour water and chemical spa treatment.  When this final bath is over (and I personally hope it's a nice warm one), then the 'liquids,' which contain 'broken down organic matter' are all drained into the municipal water treatment facilities and then into...the water supply.  The bones are left, and you can see a previous blog of mine to see how those are reduced for consumer packaging. (http://janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com/2012/06/bf-cuisinart.html )

So, Kevin, here is your new marketing spiel:  "Our filters take out contaminants including chlorine, rust, bacteria, parasites, and, what's more,  you never, ever have to worry about Great Uncle Herbert's remains clouding up your drinking water. Our filtered water will have no unpleasant odors--no chlorine, bromine, sulfur; no Grampa Ken who never, ever took a bath; no Gramma Carlita who wore perfume like the force field of the Starship Enterprise. You can rest in peace knowing that you will only taste clear, clean water--no rancid  feet, sweaty arm pits; no cousin Kermit's flatulence that, while he was alive, had busted a hole through the ozone layer."

Kevin, I realize I could get the big bucks for these marketing tips, but they are yours for FREE!  People will appreciate their filtered water even more as the demographics of H2O begin changing...  
©8/2012  Jana B Patrick

A World Gone Batty

Brian vs. the Bats:  6 Games to Zero.  
A friend of ours recently played tennis against bats in his cabin.  "Love" may have been his score, but certainly wasn't his sentiment toward his opponents.
So, he called an exterminator.
Who said he couldn't help him.
Because bats have babies this time of year.
And therefore are legally protected.
Brian, an avid hunter and bearer of arms, can legally shoot a human intruder but the trespassing bats are protected.  
(Who is really running this country anyway???) 

P.S.  Rats and mice are lobbying for equal treatment under the law.  
©8/2012  Jana B Patrick

The Clear People

"Who is God?  Where is He, Mom? I just want to see Him!"  Thus spake my 3 1/2 year old grandson, John, to his mom, Caroline.  I'll let her tell the rest of the story:

"Before I could answer him, the questions just kept coming and so did his frustration.  He didn't like my answer that God is everywhere; in his heart, in Heaven, all around us in the air and at church.
There was silence as I watched his little brain wheels cranking.  Then, "Mom, can you get me a kite so that I can fly it high, up to Heaven and I would hold on so tight and I could climb up the kite so I could see God?"
Later that night as we were coloring, I asked John to tell Daddy about our conversation.  He right away perked up and said, "GOD!   Do you know Him, Daddy?!" We talked about how God is always here to help us make good choices.  Right away John asked, "He leaves when I make bad ones?"  We explained that He is always with us!"

*******************************************************************************

Caroline's story reminds me of when our daughter, Alana, was four.  She and Steve had just finished prayers.  Alana whispered, "I never knew about the Clear People."

"What?!" asked Steve.

"The Clear People; I never knew about them." she said.

"Who are they?" asked Steve.

"The Clear People." she re-stated.

Steve asked, "Who told you about them?"

"Mom," she replied.

"Well, who are they?!" he asked.

Alana said, "The Clear People, you know, like God."
©8/2012  Jana B Patrick