There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe...

I'm on my third generation of singing nursery rhymes to kids:  First to my younger siblings, then to my own kids and now to my grandkids.  I live in fear that I will be doing the same in the nursing home someday...

Stephen:  "HI Nana! I hope all's ok-- I see the doc and nurses just left..."
Me:  "Five little ducks that I once knew, wibble, wobble, wibble wobble to and fro..."
Stephen:  "Yeah...  So, Nana, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Jill."
Me:  "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water..."
Stephen:  "Rrrrrright.   And I met Jill while I was studying in Ireland--"
Me:  "In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty--"
Jill:  "Um...thanks?  Stephen told me you used to write a blog--"
Me:  "Hot cross buns, hot cross buns, one-a-penny, two-a-penny hot cross buns."
Stephen:  "She did, until she went nuts..."
Me:  "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle the cow jumped over the moon...Hey, Stephen, did you bring me back any Guinness?"
©6/2012  Jana B Patrick

The BF Cuisinart

Right after 9/11 my mom and I were sitting at the desk of the manager of the local cemetery.  Mom was buying real estate for her and Dad's long term use someday in the distant future.  She and I were discussing the plight of the 9/11 World Trade Towers victims.
Mom:  "I wonder if they will find many of the bodies."
Me:  "I doubt it, it's been burning for several days."
Cemetery Dude who looks up from crunching numbers on his calculator:  "Oh, I'm sure they will find some bones.  Even with OUR cremation at 1500 degrees, the big bones don't burn so we have to put them in a giant 'Cuisinart' type thingy to grind them up so they can fit in the urns."  
eeeeeeeuuuugh!   TMI!!!
©6/2012  Jana B Patrick

PS  Ryan read this then said, "I suppose Dad would want his ashes sprinkled on a golf course, and Mom, YOU would want yours on a hockey rink, and that would get pretty messy after the zamboni came through..."

Just Great Golf. Period.

Steve's phone has "predictive text" where the phone guesses the word you are typing as you go and fills it in.  He THOUGHT he sent the following text to his friend, Pete:

"We are signed up for the Mendakota (name of golf course) Guest Day event...Lunch 11:30 followed by golf - that work for you?"

Pete texted back:
"Check what you wrote in your text..."Menstrual Guest Day"? 
Sounds messy...but I'll be there.

Hahaha!  Then Pete showed up with a sleeve of  Callaway "golf balls" for Steve, but the balls had been replaced with tampons...   :)!
©2012  Jana B. Patrick,  janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com

I think Callaway COULD use these purse-sized boxes for a line of TAMPONS--They are named HEX.  Ladies, is that appropriate or what??  

Then the box lists "6 points of performance" (seriously)

1.  Superior greenside spin   (That sounds painful)

2.  Penetrating tour distance  (hmmmmm)

3.  Soft feel  (that's a good thing)

4.  Holds line in wind  (In case you've overindulged in bean burritos during your time of the month)

5. Consistent distance control  (No accidents during long road trips)

6.  Enhanced durability (Oh, rats, I forgot to take out that tampon last week...)

Who would NOT want to buy these tampons???  Go for it, Callaway!

©6/2012  Jana B Patrick

One More Week and Counting...

I can't wait for our daughter Lauren to come back from a school year in Northern Ireland!!!  Here's a few stories from when she was little  (I miss her so much that I've been going thru the baby books!)

Almost 2:  She toddled over to Steve and asked, "You have any money?"
Steve laughed, "What do you want money for?"
"I need to put some in my pockets."  Then she patted the sides of her shorts and exclaimed, "Oh! I don't have any pockets!"  And toddled away.

Age 3 1/2:  Lauren came into our room and Steve said, "Lauren, what are you doing up so early?"
"I was sleeping, but then my fingernails were growing and I woke up!"
Steve asked if she was going to go back to bed.
"Not until you cut my fingernails!"

Age 4:  Older brother Ryan (9) had drawn several really nice pictures the night before.  I noticed Lauren busy coloring in the morning.  She stood up so sweetly and said, "I accidentally colored on one of Ryan's pictures--accidentally!"  She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head in disbelief, " I colored on this one, and this one and this one and this one --but accidentally just!"

Age 5:  Lauren and younger sister Alana were counting their fingers and both came up with different amounts.  Lauren said, "Well, I must have less fingers than you do, Alana.

The years slip by so quickly!  Maybe this week will, too.
©/2012  Jana B. Patrick,  janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com

Flying the Friendly Skies

A woman was laying down across three seats at New York's Laguardia Airport. She was softly crying.  Her husband was comforting her.  I was on my way back to Minnesota and assumed she must be going there for a very sad funeral or something.
As fate would have it, they were seated across the aisle from me.  She continued to cry as the plane was loading.  We began to taxi to the runway.  The crying increased.  We took off.  Now she's got her head between her legs sobbing.  
Aha! She's afraid of flying.
Soon the pilot gets on the microphone and tells us we will be leveling out at 30,000 feet.  "WAAAAAAAA!"
And that we are traveling at 700 miles an hour...."WAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
And that we will be flying over Lake Michigan...  "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
So I press the call button, and, when the flight attendant comes, I indicate the sobbing, out of control aerophobic, "She's freaking out over there.  Could you please tell the pilot to quit with the statistics?"
So the next thing you know, the co-pilot comes sauntering down the aisle to talk to her!  She really flips out, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!  WHO'S FLYING THE AIRPLANE?!!!"
©5/2012  Jana B Patrick

Moving Sale: 25 Years Worth of Sh!t

We saw the above sign while in Arizona last winter.  Pretty funny. Sure wish we had gone to the sale--we've had fun thinking of things we would like to have said:

"Hey, you've got some really good sh!t here."

"Look!  They got some Collectors sh!t over there!""

"Wow!  Great prices for good sh!t like this!"

"Would you take ten bucks for that sh!t?"

"Does this piece of sh!t work?"

"How much do you want for that pile of sh!t over there?"

"Hey man, you got any, you know, car sh!t...or yard sh!t...or any kinda tool sh!t?"

"I wonder if this sh!tload will fit in my car.

"Buy that for the kids--They love playing with sh!t like that."

"Look at that old sh!t.  They just don't make sh!t the way they used to"

"Oh, look!  Here's a box of FREE sh!t!"
©5/2012  Jana B Patrick

Requiem of a Lightbulb

Eulogy of Edwin C. Wattage (ALL of fictional Edwin's maladies from CFL's can happen--just sayin')

     We are all going to miss Edwin badly.  If only he hadn't sat so close to the lamp with the compact florescent light bulb--a CFL.  All he ever wanted was to read romance novels--is that asking too much?  Should a person get cancer just from wanting to read a book with Fabio on the cover? Poor Edwin who never was much to look at anyway--getting severe UV ray burns...from a CFL light bulb, for crying out loud!  How was he suppose to know that long lasting CFL's would give him a face the color of ketchup? After all those years of carefully applying SPF 80 for sun protection--who would have guessed he needed to lather up before reading by the CFL? It just brings tears to your eyes.  
     Oh, and the mercury! Bless Edwin's soul, how did he know that knocking over his lamp during a particularly vapid Romance Novel Climax, accidentally shattering the CFL and sweeping it up would be a BAD IDEA? It was poor timing that his toxic waste bio-hazard outfit was at the cleaners that day.  
     All this was tragic enough, but we'll never know for sure if he wanted to just end it all when he put that last fateful CFL in the socket with a dimmer switch.  Did he know CFL's in a dimmer can cause a FIRE?  It proved to be his final bright flash of light before eternal darkness.  Poor Ed, rest in peace! 
©5/2012  Jana B Patrick

FYI:  From The CBS Early Show (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703445904576118530602868542.html) The hosts were praising the government's 2007 energy bill which will phase out traditional incandescent Edison bulbs in January 2013.  The hosts like the CFL's--good for the environment, use less energy etc-but the part of the dialog below has me scratching my head:

Wragge said: "And the CFLs are also better for the environment and that's one of the big reasons behind this push." Cochran admitted: "Well, yes and no. I mean, they're burning less carbon or creating less carbon. But when you get rid of them, there's a little bit of mercury in them....So I wouldn't say they're necessarily better for the environment, at the end, if you break them." Wragge added: "And you also have to be very careful of them...they can break very easily." Cochran made a suggestion: "Yeah, you don't want to, maybe, use them in your kids' room where they can knock it over and the mercury inside can possibly – you know, mercury is not something you want to play around with."

At one point, Cochran explained: "Sometimes they [CFLs] have to be recycled or your city or your county may require a certain method of getting rid of them." The Environmental Protection Agency has a three-page manual describing how to properly clean up a broken CFL bulb. The "before cleanup" steps include: "a.) Have people and pets leave the room. b.) Air out the room for 5-10 minutes by opening a window or door. c.) Shut off the central forced air heating/air conditioning system, if you have one."

My friend Carol W's comment:   

yeah...I was aware of the mercury--but not the other UV danger--or that they wear out if you turn them on and off! A ways back--I had puchased a nice "costco size" pack of the 'mercury bulbs" (as I like to call them)... and of course I broke one. got on my hands and knees--nose close to the floor for the final clean-up. They shatter into micro sized bits like nobodys biz! Had to use the wet paper towel method to clean it up completely (and I'm sure I didn't get it all!). Weeks later I was thowing the box away and something, in very tiny print, caught my eye. Guess what it was? The little bit about there being mercury in them! Good grief! Me and my dogs walked in it AND inhaled it! criminy !!!!

I came across some info on the subject that is both good news and bad. The industry has an alternative to the 'mercury bulb"... it will be free of harmfull chemicals and last (I think) some incredible long period of years! However, they will be mighty expensive! I think the laws were changed to 'out-law' normally bulbs a bit too soon!