Fruit Cake

While randomly searching the archives of a library, I came across a dusty tome from the 1770’s!  Inscribed on the front in quill pen was the word “SHRED;” but it had survived!  It holds minutes of meetings from around the time of the American Revolution!! 

Page 171 shows Patrick Henry’s famous December 1775 speech, and astonishingly, it has been altered from the original by (embarrassed?) historians!  The notes show that he actually said to Martha Washington (It was her turn to bring treats to the meeting) “Give me liberty or give me death, but DON’T give me no more fruitcake!”  …Amazing.  

And the Boston ‘Tea’ Party?  HA!  It was in reality 15 tons of—you guessed it—FRUITCAKE!!!  “You're darn tooting that King George will know WE mean business when he hears about THIS!” quipped John Hancock on page 234, "And we’ll call it ‘The Boston Fruitcake Party!’”  “Ya know,” broke in John Adams, “the harbor is really starting to fester; let’s dump in some tea bags to soak it up.” Ergo the historical mistake.

…Page 305 tells how George Washington thought we should be nicknamed 'The Great Melting Pot.’  “No!!”  Thomas Paine vehemently shouted, "It's only COMMON SENSE that we be called ’THE GREAT FRUITCAKE!!!’   “Don’t even go there, Tom,” Washington interrupted, “That would only encourage Martha to bake more of the vile things—they're so tough on the molars…I’m the boss, so ‘Melting Pot’ it is and that’s final, and this meeting is adjourned.  Harumphhh.”

I’m reading all of this and thinking ‘mini series,’ and just as I turn the last brittle page, the book crumbles and turns to dust.  I wonder if people will believe me?  Hollywood will.
©12/2002  Jana B Patrick
  

Extreme Hockey Gear Testing

I backed the Chevy Suburban over my hockey bag.


I was bringing almost 3 year old John, my grandson, to an ice rink.  I loaded up the bag with skates, helmets, elbow and shin pads; threw it behind the locked truck, then ran and got John loaded in. When we got to the rink I realized my mistake. One might think I would have felt us go over the bag, but, no, in four wheel drive Reverse is always bumpy.  
I feared the worst as I drove back home. With dismay I saw tire tracks covering the bag.  However, the protective gear did what it was suppose to, and looked none the worse for having 1 1/2 tons of truck roll over it.  Except my very old shin pads. The right one got a little squished but actually fits much better.  Naturally one wishes to look slim in addition to symmetrical while playing hockey, so I am considering  running over the left one as well.          ©12/2011  Jana B Patrick

Kids catch on fast--see above, then this is John's next time out on the ice!

What Men Do While Women Shop

Dear Mrs. Peabody,

Over the Christmas season, your husband, Mr. Percy Peabody, has become quite problematic in our store while you are busy shopping.  Several of our employees are seeking counseling. We cannot tolerate this behavior and our corporate lawyers are anticipating a feeding frenzy.  Complaints are as follows:

November 25:  Showed customers his driver's license and demanded to know whether they have seen this escaped convict.

November 26:  Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at five minute intervals.

December 1:  Made a trail of ketchup leading to the bathrooms.

December 3:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "The vegetables are staging an uprising in Produce; Call Security NOW!'

December 5:  Tried on a pair of trousers backwards and asked an employee if they made his butt look big.

December 7:  Wearing pajamas and bouncing on a display bed, he asked customers to get pillows from Bedding and join him for a slumber party.

December 10:  When an employee asked if he needed any help he began to cry and demanded, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

December 11:  Looked right into the Security camera, used it as a mirror and flossed his teeth in a disgusting fashion.

December 14:  darted about the store suspiciously while humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme song.

December 17:  Hid in a clothing rack and when customers browsed, called out, "Pick me!  Pick me!"

December 19:  Surveyed customers about preferences for traditional burial versus cremation and whether they would like an Early Bird discount.

December 21:  Went into a fitting room and yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

December 22:  Wearing a 'New Employee' badge, asked a Hardware Department employee how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

December 23:  Dressed as an exterminator and while snapping two large rat traps open and shut, walked through the Grocery Department calling, "Here mousy, mousy, mousy--come to Daddy!"

December 24:  Posing as a Food Sampler, dared customers to take a bite of fruitcake while offering medical assistance and free hospitalization if things went badly.

How to Get Rock Hard Glutes

This is a November 2011 story from legitimate news sources--really!  MIAMI--A woman who wanted to work at a nightclub looked for someone who could perform inexpensive plastic surgery to give her a curvier body.  Police said what she found was a man posing as a female doctor who filled her buttocks with cement, mineral oil and "Fix-a-Flat' flat-tire inflator.
     Oneal-Ron Morris, 30, was arrested. The victim allegedly paid $700 for Morris to inject her in several sites on her derriere, pumping it full of the toxic material. The victim described some of the 'tools' Morris used as rubber tubing attached to a cooler. She felt enormous pressure and then intense pain but was assured it would be over soon. The wounds were sealed with Super Glue. She went to the hospital for abdominal pains.


Here's how I imagine the 'victim's' E.R visit went:

Victim:  My stomach really hurts, doc!

Doctor:  When did your symptoms start?

Victim:  Pretty much right after I had my ass filled with a cooler full of cement.

Doctor:  You had foreign material injected into you?!

Victim:  Oh no!  Not foreign!!-- Cement from the U.S.A. for sure--I seen the truck out front. Hey, maybe I'm sick from the Super Glue used to close up the butt holes--

Doctor:  Your anus is glued shut?!

Victim:  No!  haha--not THAT  hole, you silly doctor!--that would be pretty STUPID don't you think?! (Did you really go to Med school, Doc?)  Haha--no, just the holes where the concrete was poured in.  And doc? How'm I suppose to work at the club while hauling around a 500 pound booty?

Doctor:  Sorry lady, we can't help you here; I'm referring you to  
a Structural Engineer.  

And if I were you?   AVOID swimming.

Mug shots of  the 'DOCTOR'  that performed the 'surgery.'
  Transgender 'doc' Ron-Oneal Morris.
With a butt the size and weight of Texas, she really inspires confidence.

'Stone Butt Brand' Hypoallergenic Surgical Cement                           'Fix a Flat' Butt inflator

©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Here is one of the articles written in Miami:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/11/18/2509172/doctor-accused-of-injecting-womans.html#ixzz1eVExztxU

Gobble Gobble

Benjamin Franklin in a 1784 letter to his daughter:  
"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen for the Representative of our Country.  He is a bird of bad moral Character.  He does not get his Living honestly.  You may have seen him perched on some dead tree near the river, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labor of the Fishing Hawk: and when that diligent bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Eagle pursues him and takes it from him. In truth, the Turkey is in comparison a  much more respectable Bird..."

Benjamin Franklin's daughter sent the following reply:
"Dad, are you freaking kidding me??"

©11/2011  Jana B Patrick

Fly the Friendly Skies

      I was with my daughter-in-law, Caroline, and her 1 1/2 and almost three year old boys on an airplane recently.  Southwest airlines has patrons line up and board onto any seat found. Interestingly,  no other passengers grabbed the coveted window and aisle seats within several miles of us. As the plane filled, those that were forced to be our neighbors had aspects of martyrdom. Justifiably.  
Naps??? We don't need no stinkin' naps!     
     There would be no energy crisis if we could bottle up the pent up energy of our toddler citizens. 
      After three and a half hours we arrived. I was certain the people in front of us would serve us papers for how the boys' restless-leg-syndrome and tray table up/down fixations had compromised their flight. (The boys are so darn cute which may have been the charm, because those people very kindly got up and left--possibly to the airport bar...)
     The return flight?  Fast asleep before takeoff! 
     I just love those boys!!!  I'll sit next to them anytime!
©10/2011  Jana B Patrick

11/11/11 The Ants Go Marching One by One by One by One by One by One...

This year we will have experienced four unusual dates:

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11 and 11/11/11

And that's not all:  Take the last two digits of the year you were born - now add the age you will be this year.  The answer for everyone in the world is 111.  Who ever said math is not fun?  (ME)  Try this: 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321

Random 11/11/11 factoid:  
One hundred years ago, November 11, 1911, The Great Blue Norther descended upon mid America. The day started out fine; there were even record highs of up to 80 degrees (27C) Suddenly temperatures began to drop.  Within ten minutes it dropped 40 to 50 degrees and by midnight lows in some areas were in the single digits (-13C). Many cities recorded record breaking highs and lows on that same day. Janesville, Wisconsin had an F4 tornado followed an hour later by a blizzard. Throughout the midwest there were duststorms, thunderstorms, tornadoes and blizzards with over 300 deaths reported.
“Dearest Nell!  Let’s celebrate 11/11/1911! It’s a beautiful day for a picnic—nearly 80 degrees, darling!”

“Oh, precious heart, what shall I bring?”

“Why, your sun bonnet and parasol to protect your lovely skin, your fan to cool my darling, some iced lemonade to refresh---and it wouldn’t hurt to throw in a snowmobile suit, tundra boots and survival flares for just-in-case.”

 “…Huh???  Snowmo—what???”

Happy 11/11/11!!!!!!     ©11/2011  Jana B Patrick