Random Hiking Thoughts

I hiked Pinnacle Peak in Arizona last week, and, as I do with any physical activity I am not in shape for, I allowed my mind to wander so as to ignore the death rattle that my breathing had become.

I decided to notice the other hikers.  One had on some ladies sensible dress shoe pumps--not so sensible on a rocky, gravelly mountain, but much more sensible than the rhinestone studded high heal sandals one of my sisters sported on the same trail some years back.

I noticed an 80 year old guy wearing a "BEAT ARMY" T-shirt racing up and down the five mile mountain trail. When I commented on seeing him again, he said it was his third lap that morning.  Show off.  Probably told his great-grandkids about passing up all of us losers...

I also noticed one out-of-shape laggard that stopped every 25 yards or so to supposedly 'check her I-Pod.' Sure.  I noticed this because I was keeping pace just behind the slacker.  Since I don't have an I-Pod, I merely would stop and check my moles to see if any had suddenly turned cancerous.

Now I am back in flat Minnesota treading the monotonous elliptical and wondering how in the world that lady ahead of me got into the spray-on camo spandex...and why the over-the-hill guy over there thinks short shorts are remotely attractive.  I really have to get an I-Pod.
©10/2012  Jana B. Patrick,  janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com

Friendly Fire

Intestinal bacteria, referred to as probiotics, are microscopic critters creating your very own private universe--a microbiome--in your gut. (I suspect my personal parasites have been partying lately and abusing their curfew.) 

According to the journal, "Science", "(Intestinal) bacteria are organized into socially cohesive units (gangs) in which antagonism occurs between, rather than within...defined populations (rival gangs)"  Whoa.  I see a Spielberg movie. Casting the bacterial warriors could be interesting...

Dr. Joseph Mercola says, "...certain bacteria have the ability to produce chemical compounds that inhibit growth of other bacteria, while not harming their own kind or "close relatives."  These...natural antibiotics act as a type of chemical warfare, (in your stomach!!!) allowing the bacteria in question to gain a competitive edge by killing off the competition.  Meanwhile, other "allies" are spared, as they are resistant to the antibiotic chemicals produced."  Interesting, huh?  World War Three going on in every living gut.  The Allies versus Bacterial Terrorists.  May the good guys win.

Eating probiotic, fermented foods such as sauerkraut, kefir, pickles etc. makes for happy bacterial campers.

Now for casting the movie: Arnold?--Good guy or bad boy?  For SURE a bad guy part for JERRY SANDUSKY.  Especially since he is now introducing bacteria at both ends...  (Same for Minnesota creeper, Curt Wehmeyer)
©10/2012  Jana B Patrick

Sir Schmuck

(This is Part 1 (of 5 parts) of a 9th grade paper explaining feudalism written by my daughter a several years ago.  It cracked me up, so I am sharing)

By Lauren Patrick ©2005  

            My name is Sir Schmuck.  I am a knight living in France.  We are in the year 1234; four years after I acquired my beautiful manor and manor house which I like to call “Schmuck’s Shack.” 

            I can see the muddy hills rolling on endlessly, until they fade into haze.  The land is not all mine, though I wish it were.  Baron Birdbrain gave me this fief, all eleven soggy fields, and now I am his vassal. 

When we made this deal, we had an investiture, a ceremony when Birdbrain gave me my land, and in return I pledged him my loyalty. King Charlemagne started this system of government, which we call feudalism, about 400 years ago. It is based upon landholding in exchange for military service.  Here and everywhere, local government is more important than national.  Let me explain…    

It is my duty to answer any of Monsieur Birdbrain’s calls for help.  I have fought along side him, defending his manor, too many times to count.  Two years ago, dear Birdbrain was captured by Barney “Buff” Baron and none but yours truly was there to pay the ransom.  I admit, sometimes I get burned out on all the fighting, and I just want to take a nap in the “Shack.”   But I know that I am obligated to give the Brain my loyalty, because of what he gives me in return.

My land is my most important and valuable possession.  Some days however, even though I know I shouldn't  I feel a little sorry for myself.  My mud hole is minuscule compared to the Brain’s.  But when I stop to think, I know that I am luckier than most.  Baron Birdbrain protects me from invaders and gave me the land I am building my life on.  Because of this land, I am able to profit. 

I have about 50 serfs.  They farm the sludge and pay me taxes, and I give them permission to stay on my land.  Pretty good deal, if you ask me.  In the future, I hope to become vassal to more barons, earning more land.  Once I have enough land, maybe I can even become a baron myself, and have my own vassals.  I can hope, at least.  

Heart Attack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack!

Short (FUNNY) video on Heart Attacks--Please Watch!
I thought 'how can this be funny...'
But it is great!  Please share!
Very well done, funny, but scary, too!

http://www.surreywellness.com/go-for-red-women-premiere-short-film-just-a-little-heart-attack/
Thanks for sending me this, Lynne!

Zumba For Dummies

I don't think they make ice packs large enough for all of my body parts that hurt. My St. Paul gym offered a 'Zumba' class tonight so I thought, "Why not?  It might be a good aerobic workout--whatever Zumba means." I guessed it meant we would zoom around the room a little.

Not quite so.  It is Latin dancing on steroids.  My hips do not do Latin dancing. I am built anatomically incorrect.  ---After all, my ancestors did the Polka.  The instructor, a young, energetic woman with hips that gyrated like a set of hyperactive maracas, was built for such movement. She was amazing.

I was at least two decades older than most of the participants who will likely go about their day tomorrow as if tonight's torture had simply energized them.  I, on the other hand, will appreciate why older people like homes with no stairs and use walkers.     
(P.S.  It really was fun--if you are into pain and humiliation in any small way.)
©9/2012  Jana B Patrick

World Champion Crepitationist

Lauren and Alana adored their older brother, Ryan, and fell for his tricks EVERY time. He would excitedly shout, "Hey girls!  I have something for you!"  Happy with anticipation his little sisters, five and six years his junior, would ALWAYS say, "What is it!!???"  He would run into the room, let loose a ripping fart, laugh devilishly, and bound away...

Boys grow up and nothing changes.  Below is a link to a 1946 radio broadcast of the Great Crepitation (fart) Contest. Scroll down to the 'Listen Now"  Listen as least to the part where the opponent from 'Australia' joins in the trumpeting. 
©9/2012  Jana B Patrick
http://randsesotericotr.podbean.com/2008/05/14/the-great-crepitation-contest-of-1946/

Everything You See I Owe to Spaghetti

The first thing I noticed from the air as we were landing back in the U. S. from Italy was the depressing sight of a giant McDonald's.  My daughter, Alana, and I had just spent eight days eating delicious, healthy, real food.
The Italian grocery store I went to had half the store devoted to fresh fish on beds of ice, gourmet cheeses, crusty bakery breads, miles of fresh vegetables and fruits and their 'to go' foods were homemade lasagnas, grilled vegetables, and savory sandwiches of prosciutto and goat cheese.  Italy's truck stops had shelves of home made cheeses and Delis complete with chefs; the condiment counters had 27 varieties of olive oil.

In America, if  'food' doesn't have 57 additives we eye it with suspicion.  If it doesn't have a shelf life of 35 years we forsake it.  Cerulean Blue, Bubblegum Pink and Day-Glo Green are considered acceptable food colors.  'Homemade' means making something from a box. And most importantly, our edibles must be breaded and deep fried to be recognized for human consumption. 

Italian Quote:  "Everything you see I owe to spaghetti." -- Sophia Loren

American Quotes:  "Everything you see I owe to SpaghettiOs."  Rosanne Barr  (I'm kidding!) 

  "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles

"Never eat more than you can lift." -- Miss Piggy, Muppet 

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin 

"Give me liberty or... OOOooor... A jelly donut!" -— Homer Simpson
©9/2012  Jana B Patrick