March Madness/ Good job Washburn Millers!

Somewhere around Roseville, Minnesota
National Weather Service photo

National Weather Service Warning--Unseasonably warm March 'winter' weather in the 70's and 80 degrees in Minnesota has caused chaos in the air--Robins, wrens and sparrows arriving too early for Spring are colliding with bewildered snow geese getting the heck out of Dodge (county).  The resulting collisions have caused many of the freaked-out-fowl to unleash a blizzard of snow-white droppings on Minnesotans who have been outside grilling, biking, roller-blading and drinking Grain Belt Premium on their decks and, in some cases, boats. A weather advisory is in immediate effect for Minnesotans to remain inside their homes until weather is normal again (COLD) and danger of falling white detritus is past--unless, of course, it is in the form of snow crystals. Where or where is the State High School Basketball Tournament Blizzard????
(This just in:  National Weather Service advisory:  Washburn Millers boys basketball:  MN State AAA 2nd-- 57 to 56 championship game )
     ©3/2012  Jana B Patrick

"....Grumble, grumble, grumble...dam'n birds!!!"

Where is Miss Manners When You Really Need Her?

Our friend, Greg, recalled a tale from when his daughter, Kimberly, was little and had gone to visit her grandparents for a few days.  They had taken her and a cousin out for breakfast, to the children's museum and then mini-golfing.  While back at the grandparents for lunch, Kimberly asked, "OK, so what's next?  I didn't come to sit around here all day!"

Air On the Side of Caution

    WASHINGTON D.C.-- Last Monday the Environmental Protection Agency released the results of a 7 year, $1.5 billion dollar study on the effects of urban air pollution.  The 7,111,200 page report finds that to remain healthy, people in cities with very poor air quality such as Los Angeles, Phoenix or New York City should refrain from breathing.  "Human lung disease directly attributed to poor air quality can be virtually eliminated by simply holding one's breath, " states study director Errol Shtinks.  He concedes that,  "If one is not willing to hold one's breath ALL the time, then at least do it  when encountering smokers huddled pathetically at building entrances."
     Shtinks team was encouraged by a surprising benefit to folks not breathing within the cities--"CO2 emissions, when one normally exhales, were virtually eliminated thus cutting way down on greenhouse gasses.  Instead, upon leaving the city, the pent up CO2 can be released from one's lungs and be more fairly and equitably distributed within the suburbs."
     The protocol  shows statistically insignificant side effects including severe migraine headaches, turning a deep shade of cerulean blue, and asphyxiation.


     Upon completion of this study, Shtinks feared his staff would be laid off and has written a proposal for a $1.5 trillion dollar federal grant to determine how the words 'illegal alien' affect our culture. He states, "While we acknowledge that most people know perfectly well what those words mean, there may be one, possibly two Americans that think we are being invaded by extraterrestrial outlaws
--as if the Earth is a giant Australia-esque holding tank for outer-space bad guys. We want to find out what those one or two Americans really feel about it:
     "(A) They may not give a rat's a.ss,
      or (B) They may do desperate things like abduct the perceived E.T's (extraterrestrials) to, say, New York City, Phoenix or L.A  and force them to 'breathe deeply!'"
 ©3/2012  Jana B Patrick
From Mike B:  I am holding my breath they get the next research grant!

Plumber's Butt

As happens when getting older, the conversation meanders around to health issues. On a recent evening it did just that. Several of us just had or were anticipating colonoscopies.
The protocol is to have someone else drive you and check you in as they do not want you driving home alone after having anesthesia.
You spend the day before the procedure drinking drain cleaner and staying very close to the bathroom. The instructions advise to 'leave plenty of extra time for getting there in case you have to stop and relieve yourself on the way over.'  Now, seriously, what to they mean by that?


    PASSENGER:   "Pull over NOW!!!"
   Breaks are slammed on, car stops and passenger jumps out hurriedly and goes about his business.
   DRIVER:  "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????  THIS IS A BUSY STREET!!!!"
   PASSENGER:  "Oh, that's okay if it's BUSY, dear, no worries; we left with PLENTY of extra time for getting there."


And, bottom line, (pun intended)  who goes into this profession anyway???


    One medical student trying to hit on a hot new First Year student: 
  HE:  "So, what specialty are you going into?"
  SHE:  (thinking he's kind of cute) "Oh, brain surgery or maybe electrocardiology.  What about you?"
  HE:   "I'm gonna check out BUTTS; you know, do colon safaris, lasso some polyps, YEEEE HAAAA!!! And trawl the MMMMMUDDY MISSISSIPPI!!!"
  SHE:  "Oh.........dear........  I have to go--I have some plans that I haven't made yet, that I am very late for."
 ©3/2012  Jana B Patrick 

Breaking Out

(I wrote this piece a year ago and was reminded of it as my daughter’s hockey team split two games with St. Catherine this last weekend)

(Jan. 2011)  My daughter Alana’s St. Olaf College hockey team played my Alma Mater, St. Catherine University, at Ridder Arena on the campus of the University of Minnesota. It brought back the memory of when, in the fall of 2004, I played the same opponent at the same venue…And that’s where any similarities end.

There was to be a St. Catherine hockey scrimmage and any alumnae, no matter what their skating ability, were invited to participate. I like to skate--how hard could this be? I had heard through the grapevine that some women who graduated with me had played in the event the year before, and they had no more training than I—it would be fun to see them again. The sum total of my experience was having played about twenty pickup games with a bunch of middle aged moms.  Why not give it a go?

First of all, none of the women I know showed up, and I soon found out why.  While standing on the blue line at Ridder Arena, our names and years of graduation were announced over the loudspeaker.  “Jana Patrick, 1979.” The player next to me observed, “I wasn't even born yet.” (Thanks)  The next closest alumnae had just graduated!!  We were playing against the current St. Catherine’s varsity team for crying out loud!!!  The arena darkened as The Star Spangled Banner melodiously described the ‘perilous fight’ and ‘the home of the brave’, and I was imaging myself anywhere but on that sheet of ice.  We had just finished warm-ups where I wasn’t sure what end of the rink to be on as everyone was wearing purple. Players had been accelerating around the zones, pucks careening hard off the boards and ice shavings flying off their speeding blades which all added to my increasing confusion.  Backwards Russian Circles?  Me? Really???

On my first shift the referee had to bodily re-position me on the correct side of the face-off circle.  The players smiled encouragingly and were so nice to this bumbling mom who really had no clue. I soon flew back to the bench and said I would like to be a spectator. My team told me I was doing just fine and coaxed me out for another shift. Being the good sports that they were, they quickly passed me the puck.   ...And I shot on the wrong net. But it didn’t matter.  My shot was so wide it missed by a mile. “Good pass,” they cheered as I returned to and remained firmly on the bench…and when no one was looking I slunk out the back of the players’ box and bolted for the locker room.

Thanks, girls—it was…fun? Albeit briefly, you helped me give it the old college try.
 ©1/2011  Jana B Patrick

The Hair of the Dog

"Mom!  No wonder you have insomnia!" complained our exhausted son Ryan when house-sitting last year. Steve and I sleep on a rock.  It's true, even campers look for softer ground than what we endure nightly. About six years ago we bought a very expensive 'healthy' natural latex mattress (rock) from a catalog furniture club.  It was to last 20 years (most rocks do indeed have long lifespans) so, of course, Steve insists that it should.
I tried everything: A thick mattress pad. A deep feather bed topper--all the feathers settle where we are NOT sleeping thus creating small feather mountain ranges. 'Unhealthy' petroleum based memory foam toppers 2" thick, 4" thick, yet, while providing softness, they are hot, smelly and itchy. We even layered ALL of these things like in the fairy tale "The Princess and the Pea" only instead of feeling the pea under it all, we felt a slab of granite.
I finally convinced Steve we NEED a new mattress so we went to Macy's and bought one to arrive in a month. I hate wasting anything, so thought we should use the rock up at the cabin--maybe cut it in half for two twin beds. I was going to get one of those popular 1970's electric knives at Goodwill and have at it. (This idea makes no sense on so many levels--most of all, why torture our cabin guests?)
I did some nocturnal Internet research, and have put delivery of the pricey new mattress on hold. We will try one last thing--the 'hair of the dog'. I went to a store and tried a SOFT, healthy, talalay natural LATEX 3" topper to go over the old, hard latex mattress and it was darn comfortable. Who knew latex came in different levels of softness? Steve wants to go try it so we'll see!  Right now, I am writing this in the middle of the night while taking a break from Plymouth Rock.          ©2/2012  Jana B Patrick
('The hair of the dog':  An expression meaning a small drink to cure a hangover--original saying:  'A hair of the dog that bit me')

Natural Latex coming out of a Rubber Tree.
Who wouldn't immediately think "mattress" when seeing this stuff?

Duct Tape Night Stand--gotta see it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN06zru018s&feature=uploademail

Click on the youtube link above to Check out Lauren's latest bit of duct tape art!  She said she didn't have a plan ahead of time, just winged it as she went!  amazing!