I Would Rather Have a Root Canal...

Alana and I went for a "Relaxation" massage while in Scottsdale.  As I followed my masseuse, Helga, into a darkened, aroma therapy scented room with barely audible new age music, I noted with approval that she looked strong and well able to deliver that deep muscle relaxation!


It was the most painful 55 minutes of my life. She began by running her elbow deep into my flesh along both sides of my spine, then pulled each shoulder back in unnatural contortions shaking them until they rattled. The tortuous elbow was jammed hard into several 'pressure' points on my ass, holding each time until I said, "Uncle!"  Thinking about the inevitable polka dot bruising, I was thankful I hadn't bought the thong swimsuit...  Remember the 'Veg-O-Matic'? That's what she did to each cheek after the elbow torture.  It got so bad, I started divulging State Secrets.


Finally she had me on my back and was finishing up with my head and neck--maybe I was finally to get some relaxation--what could she do to hurt me there?  HA!  She jammed her fists under my upper back twisting and jolting like an out of control jack hammer and then bent my neck in ways even Gumby would find anatomically offensive.


My session went over by 5 extra minutes--some might consider this 'A Good Deal,' but I was thinking that if I were Royalty I would consider having her beheaded. The Relaxation Slayer wants me to come back next week to get more of the kinks out.


I would rather have a root canal.                 ©2011, Jana B. Patrick