In the Eyes of the Beholder

I painted a Sonoran desert mural in my 3 1/2 year old grandson John's room.  He wanted to 'help.'  I outlined a small lizard on a painted rock above his bed and gave him the red paint he requested.  He started out very carefully painting the curling tail then took a big blob of crimson and scribbled the paint brush all over the rest of it.  I quickly said I was pretty sure his mom had lunch ready and he happily trounced out of the room.  I scrubbed off the mess and cursed the fact that the pencil outline also came off.  Rapidly redrawing, I soon had a nicely painted red lizard.
John came up after lunch and looked at the lizard and just beamed at 'his' handiwork and proudly showed it off to his mom. "Look what I painted!"  The scrubbed aura of reddish patina surrounding the lizard adds to it's charm.
Every night artist John kisses it goodnight.
©7/2012  Jana B Patrick

Tune in, Turn on, Drop Out

I haven't watched TV on my own in over 20 years.  I can't.  I don't know how to turn it on.  Even if I did, I couldn't navigate the remote.  'Surf the channels?'  I would drown.

Even if I COULD turn it on, I don't think I would like the content--I would miss the old shows.  A modern 'Leave it to Beaver' would have a whole different meaning...  'The Lone Ranger' today would be about a psychopathic serial killer.  'Father Knows Best': What kid now would seriously EVER watch that? They'd think, "Dad knows sh!t"  or "who IS Dad?"

I'll stick with the hockey and baseball games when my family tunes in.  The only changes there are that the players look younger and younger each year...  
Yippee that the Minnesota Wild just signed Zach Parise and Ryan Suter--I'll be watching!
©7/2012  Jana B Patrick

Twas the Night Before the American Revolution

Okay, I wrote this in college.  Must have been during a very boring lecture on Calculus or something.

Twas the night before the Revolution and all thru the town

Colonists were stirring against the British crown.

The Declaration was written and all signed with care

In hopes King George‘s army wouldn't have a prayer.

The Patriots were hunkered, all smug in their cause

With visions of freedom writ in each clause.

Soon out in the colonies there arose such a clatter

The Redcoats shocked to find out what was the matter.

Away to the war Patriots flew like a flash

To tear up the battle field, an enemy to smash.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear

But a Minuteman regiment; thirteen colonies cheered.

More rapid than eagles the horse and riders they came.

And now to recall the instigators by name:

Now Hancock, Adams, Ben Franklin and Lee

Now Wilson, Witherspoon, Ross and Ellery

On Taylor, Clymer, Morris and Morton

On Rush, Smith, Harrison, Rodney and Thorton

Now Gwinnet, Hooper, Wilton and more;

56 signers began a treasonous war!

On the Fourth of July, in Independence Hall

They Signed it, signed it, signed it all!

(P.S.  I dropped out of Calculus...)

©7/4/2012  Jana B Patrick

Barry Manilow--Sizzling Marketing Man

Is this really newsworthy?  I heard on the radio that Barry Manilow offered two free tickets to his recent Michigan concert.  In exchange for the tix, you brought in an old musical instrument to be donated to local schools.  The radio announcer declared, "25 instruments were brought in!"  THAT makes national news?  Wow, Barry, 25?  Those tickets are something HOT!  Paul McCartney tickets would only fetch instrument donations of, say, 24.....million.
What'd you get, Barry?  A couple kazoos?  A Kleenex box rubber-band-guitar? Spoons?
I'd be willing to turn in my 40 year old guitar for the cause, but if it's okay with you, Barry, just keep the tickets.                     ©6/2012  Jana B Patrick

There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe...

I'm on my third generation of singing nursery rhymes to kids:  First to my younger siblings, then to my own kids and now to my grandkids.  I live in fear that I will be doing the same in the nursing home someday...

Stephen:  "HI Nana! I hope all's ok-- I see the doc and nurses just left..."
Me:  "Five little ducks that I once knew, wibble, wobble, wibble wobble to and fro..."
Stephen:  "Yeah...  So, Nana, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Jill."
Me:  "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water..."
Stephen:  "Rrrrrright.   And I met Jill while I was studying in Ireland--"
Me:  "In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty--"
Jill:  "Um...thanks?  Stephen told me you used to write a blog--"
Me:  "Hot cross buns, hot cross buns, one-a-penny, two-a-penny hot cross buns."
Stephen:  "She did, until she went nuts..."
Me:  "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle the cow jumped over the moon...Hey, Stephen, did you bring me back any Guinness?"
©6/2012  Jana B Patrick

The BF Cuisinart

Right after 9/11 my mom and I were sitting at the desk of the manager of the local cemetery.  Mom was buying real estate for her and Dad's long term use someday in the distant future.  She and I were discussing the plight of the 9/11 World Trade Towers victims.
Mom:  "I wonder if they will find many of the bodies."
Me:  "I doubt it, it's been burning for several days."
Cemetery Dude who looks up from crunching numbers on his calculator:  "Oh, I'm sure they will find some bones.  Even with OUR cremation at 1500 degrees, the big bones don't burn so we have to put them in a giant 'Cuisinart' type thingy to grind them up so they can fit in the urns."  
eeeeeeeuuuugh!   TMI!!!
©6/2012  Jana B Patrick

PS  Ryan read this then said, "I suppose Dad would want his ashes sprinkled on a golf course, and Mom, YOU would want yours on a hockey rink, and that would get pretty messy after the zamboni came through..."

Just Great Golf. Period.

Steve's phone has "predictive text" where the phone guesses the word you are typing as you go and fills it in.  He THOUGHT he sent the following text to his friend, Pete:

"We are signed up for the Mendakota (name of golf course) Guest Day event...Lunch 11:30 followed by golf - that work for you?"

Pete texted back:
"Check what you wrote in your text..."Menstrual Guest Day"? 
Sounds messy...but I'll be there.

Hahaha!  Then Pete showed up with a sleeve of  Callaway "golf balls" for Steve, but the balls had been replaced with tampons...   :)!
©2012  Jana B. Patrick,  janasrandomwriting.blogspot.com

I think Callaway COULD use these purse-sized boxes for a line of TAMPONS--They are named HEX.  Ladies, is that appropriate or what??  

Then the box lists "6 points of performance" (seriously)

1.  Superior greenside spin   (That sounds painful)

2.  Penetrating tour distance  (hmmmmm)

3.  Soft feel  (that's a good thing)

4.  Holds line in wind  (In case you've overindulged in bean burritos during your time of the month)

5. Consistent distance control  (No accidents during long road trips)

6.  Enhanced durability (Oh, rats, I forgot to take out that tampon last week...)

Who would NOT want to buy these tampons???  Go for it, Callaway!

©6/2012  Jana B Patrick