March Madness/ Good job Washburn Millers!

Somewhere around Roseville, Minnesota
National Weather Service photo

National Weather Service Warning--Unseasonably warm March 'winter' weather in the 70's and 80 degrees in Minnesota has caused chaos in the air--Robins, wrens and sparrows arriving too early for Spring are colliding with bewildered snow geese getting the heck out of Dodge (county).  The resulting collisions have caused many of the freaked-out-fowl to unleash a blizzard of snow-white droppings on Minnesotans who have been outside grilling, biking, roller-blading and drinking Grain Belt Premium on their decks and, in some cases, boats. A weather advisory is in immediate effect for Minnesotans to remain inside their homes until weather is normal again (COLD) and danger of falling white detritus is past--unless, of course, it is in the form of snow crystals. Where or where is the State High School Basketball Tournament Blizzard????
(This just in:  National Weather Service advisory:  Washburn Millers boys basketball:  MN State AAA 2nd-- 57 to 56 championship game )
     ©3/2012  Jana B Patrick

"....Grumble, grumble, grumble...dam'n birds!!!"

Where is Miss Manners When You Really Need Her?

Our friend, Greg, recalled a tale from when his daughter, Kimberly, was little and had gone to visit her grandparents for a few days.  They had taken her and a cousin out for breakfast, to the children's museum and then mini-golfing.  While back at the grandparents for lunch, Kimberly asked, "OK, so what's next?  I didn't come to sit around here all day!"

Air On the Side of Caution

    WASHINGTON D.C.-- Last Monday the Environmental Protection Agency released the results of a 7 year, $1.5 billion dollar study on the effects of urban air pollution.  The 7,111,200 page report finds that to remain healthy, people in cities with very poor air quality such as Los Angeles, Phoenix or New York City should refrain from breathing.  "Human lung disease directly attributed to poor air quality can be virtually eliminated by simply holding one's breath, " states study director Errol Shtinks.  He concedes that,  "If one is not willing to hold one's breath ALL the time, then at least do it  when encountering smokers huddled pathetically at building entrances."
     Shtinks team was encouraged by a surprising benefit to folks not breathing within the cities--"CO2 emissions, when one normally exhales, were virtually eliminated thus cutting way down on greenhouse gasses.  Instead, upon leaving the city, the pent up CO2 can be released from one's lungs and be more fairly and equitably distributed within the suburbs."
     The protocol  shows statistically insignificant side effects including severe migraine headaches, turning a deep shade of cerulean blue, and asphyxiation.


     Upon completion of this study, Shtinks feared his staff would be laid off and has written a proposal for a $1.5 trillion dollar federal grant to determine how the words 'illegal alien' affect our culture. He states, "While we acknowledge that most people know perfectly well what those words mean, there may be one, possibly two Americans that think we are being invaded by extraterrestrial outlaws
--as if the Earth is a giant Australia-esque holding tank for outer-space bad guys. We want to find out what those one or two Americans really feel about it:
     "(A) They may not give a rat's a.ss,
      or (B) They may do desperate things like abduct the perceived E.T's (extraterrestrials) to, say, New York City, Phoenix or L.A  and force them to 'breathe deeply!'"
 ©3/2012  Jana B Patrick
From Mike B:  I am holding my breath they get the next research grant!

Plumber's Butt

As happens when getting older, the conversation meanders around to health issues. On a recent evening it did just that. Several of us just had or were anticipating colonoscopies.
The protocol is to have someone else drive you and check you in as they do not want you driving home alone after having anesthesia.
You spend the day before the procedure drinking drain cleaner and staying very close to the bathroom. The instructions advise to 'leave plenty of extra time for getting there in case you have to stop and relieve yourself on the way over.'  Now, seriously, what to they mean by that?


    PASSENGER:   "Pull over NOW!!!"
   Breaks are slammed on, car stops and passenger jumps out hurriedly and goes about his business.
   DRIVER:  "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????  THIS IS A BUSY STREET!!!!"
   PASSENGER:  "Oh, that's okay if it's BUSY, dear, no worries; we left with PLENTY of extra time for getting there."


And, bottom line, (pun intended)  who goes into this profession anyway???


    One medical student trying to hit on a hot new First Year student: 
  HE:  "So, what specialty are you going into?"
  SHE:  (thinking he's kind of cute) "Oh, brain surgery or maybe electrocardiology.  What about you?"
  HE:   "I'm gonna check out BUTTS; you know, do colon safaris, lasso some polyps, YEEEE HAAAA!!! And trawl the MMMMMUDDY MISSISSIPPI!!!"
  SHE:  "Oh.........dear........  I have to go--I have some plans that I haven't made yet, that I am very late for."
 ©3/2012  Jana B Patrick